Monday, 29 October 2012

Am I immune to surprises?

Good evening everyone. Yes it's been awhile since I've updated but it does also mean that I've been wanting to the whole time.

Long story short: My sisters showed up on 20th October here in our apartment for a surprise visit. She and Micha had been planing it for more than a year.

It surprised me, really. It did. I hadn't been expecting a guest and I certainly did not expect it to be my sister.
Well it's been a nice reunion and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel like I was the raven among the doves.

I had received a lot of gifts from home, well wishes and a lot of love from everyone at home who had been missing me. Thank you.
They are all expecting me to come back some day. For good. Then I thought: I cannot promise that.
Not everyone will understand.

In the past few days I had my crying moments and I also laughed again like I had when my sisters were around and we'd go crazy. And when we fought we never remain enemies for long.
And I am glad to allow Micha to experience this part of my life which he hasn't come to know yet until now - the bright side, family, acceptance, understanding, connection. To feel like you don't need to fit in and to not care what others would think about you.

What's a little ridiculous is that I've made plans for the holidays because I couldn't have known of this surprise visit.
Now a week passes by without me thinking about the fact that I need to get some other things done too - assignments, revisions, homework and making some more art.
I'd feel bad about neglecting my plans and I'd feel bad about neglecting my sister.

I wrote this more than a year ago in my so-called Predictions Log on my old laptop. More than a year ago I had the feeling that something was coming my way. I just didn't know what, when, why or how. And now it all makes sense.
I guess I'd feel bad because something inside me is telling me: "You should have known."
Micha and my sister's good intention was one thing I acknowledge and am thankful for. So it's a thought that definitely counts. I just didn't react like someone who was overly surprised about it because in some way I already knew that it was coming.

I stopped writing in my Predictions Log because I didn't know if something like that was going to help me in any way and it isn't the most legitimate proof that some things I sense do happen.

Stuff like... worrying about the hurricane or storm in New York. I know someone there and I hope she will be okay. Take good care of yourself, Suz. I just hope I hear from her again.

Or I get thoughts that didn't even come from me and I wonder if I'm going crazy.

But anyway, that's a different topic.
I'm just writing in to say that I'm still alive, though a little troubled. Don't really know what's right but at the same time trying not to think too much and just letting things be. It is the way it is.

If I listen to my inner child right now, all it really wants is to get back on track... to know for once that its plans will be carried out. That will make me feel so much better.

Other than that, I'm waiting for it to finally snow.