15 January 2017

What it's like to worry all the time for no apparent reason

That time when I was once younger and used to be robust enough that none of my worries can get through to me... is long forgotten.

Every other day it's the same thing:

  • Worry about the day for no apparent reason.
  • Put in so much effort at work for fear of 'lack of effort'
  • being on guard all the time expecting someone to come verbally attack me
  • pretend to look busy but actually plotting how I will spend my evening
  • grumble at the fact that i hardly leave on time enough to catch the bus so I have to take the train which takes longer

Every other night it's the same thing:

  • mental exhaustion so much that I would just like to stare senselessly on some kind of moving screen so my brain can become an idle slate, erasing all of the day's stress
  • no interest whatsoever in the things that I used to love doing
  • taking it in all the chores that I eventually still have to take over despite my fulltime work-week
  • the clock suddenly strikes 21:00 hours and it is time for bed...
  • ...but the kitchen is in a chaos, the laundry needs doing, the living rooms needs tidying
  • the clock strikes 00:00 and I'm still awake because I find myself back at square one: worrying about the next day for no apparent reason.
A couple of things didn't work out last week:
  1. Couldn't get an appointment at the massage parlour
  2. Fell sick in the middle of the week and was not in any condition fit enough for work
  3. Left the books I planned to read lying
  4. Left the books I planned to read for work purposes lying
A couple of things bothered the shit out of me over the weekend:
  1. 'Accidentally' being the first customer in line to buy the ONLY piece of beef tenderloine available at the counter while this other customer also wanted the same thing and lost out. I couldn't get over the fact that I could've given up half of the meat to him but I looked at my husband (who had no idea what the hell was happening) and that didn't result to anything so I went ahead with buying the whole thing so now I feel bad.
  2. Coming across the video of a 12-year-old who streamed her suicide live on Facebook. I regret watching it now. What the fuck, social media. What. The. Fuck.
  3. Recuperating at home because I don't feel well (knowing that something's wrong with me)
  4. Knowing that my colleague is leaving (how dare she, but fine, go, she is dead to me. I hope she fails.) Okay, just kidding. I just really hate changes I did not decide on.
Certain thoughts went through my mind which are somewhat positive - of things that might help get me back up again:
  • Get the regular massage appointments
  • Run once a week
  • Swim once a week
  • Get acquainted with photography
  • Do homework (yes, teachers have lessons to plan too)
  • Invite some 'friends' over... but I don't know who are my friends right now.
Right now:
  • I joined a forum full of people who suffer from anxiety disorders in hopes that I could vent out my insanity while feeling like a human being might just respond and give comfort.
  • I'm not looking forward to spending my day with colleagues.
  • My neck and shoulder and back are extremely tense and aching.
  • My lips are dry.
  • I think when I wake up tomorrow everything will be fine at first because I look forward to the smell of fresh morning coffee. Coffee always works. 

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