28 February 2016

Now begins Recovery

Right now I'm thinking to myself, do I see a light at the end of the tunnel? It doesn't seem like it. I don't feel like the five-year journey that I have taken was a deep, dark tunnel. That journey I took was an open road. I saw night and day. Sometimes going faster and sometimes going slower. Sometimes standing still. And sometimes something dashes right across and it's a matter for time before I swerve, slow down or run straight into it. Mostly beasts trying to make me turn back or hit a large tree - trying to make me give up. On some days I have watched the stars and getting lost in them, not even looking ahead anymore, if I'm still going in the right direction.

So maybe it's a little light at the end of the open road, so much that I can see the end of the chapter meet a new one.

I don't want to write too much about how the final practical exam went because by then I had lost my strength and my motivation. Strength I had used up just to get by in a new society. I remember how that tore off every piece of what is left of me. I took the torn pieces with me but I couldn't afford to put them back where they belong. It'a like trying to make a scar go away.
Makes no sense.

I thought I had lost myself amongst the noise and the confusion of things. I thought I had to change... and for awhile I pretended to, just so I don't lose my sanity. Now that I am going to graduate soon, I sense the burden on my shoulder slowly lifting. I sense a slight trace of life left in my artistic creativity... but barely alive. I desperately search through my memories for all the things that once kept it real and going. I desperately try to remember what it was like to make art out of my freedom of thought and speech.

I feel like I'm about to crawl out of an opening and see that the entire world has changed. Now it's up to me to decide where to start again and where to go from here.

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