20 August 2015

The next chapter: Philosophy for Living

Right now...

I sit at my work desk once again on a Wednesday morning. It's 08:15 a.m. as I begin writing and the first thing I notice about today - after a long time - is how quiet everything is. No traffic, no birds, no children, no chattering, no barking, no wind, no music, no television, no worry. Just the quiet buzzing of the little north bridge fan on my computer's CPU and sudden coughing that's been around for just over a week.

Nothing is moving out there. Maybe just one car every other minute gently driving by my house and then audibly disappearing. When I look out my window the sky is light and it's light blue and light grey with a hint of pale orange. I haven't seen the sun ever since I returned from Singapore on Sunday.

I can smell the milk in my coffee and its absence of sugar. And after that the scent of my apartment emited automatically every 30 minutes by an air freshener in the hallway. My fingers feel cold and heart beats slower than I can breathe. Longer, deeper breaths. It's not even 20°C. 

Post-Singapore trip...

When I came back I felt quite... bummed. If that's the word. But my vacation just started, I thought. But truth was, it was over. But I was taking care of a sick husband for a week and then he was taking care of sick me for a week. Then there was just one more week left on our vacation and we were trying desperately to keep up with relatives and friends back home. Before we know it we were on our way back.

For me though, it didn't feel like going back, it was going away again. Still too soon to be going though. I haven't even seen much yet, though I am glad that because of that I could spend more time at my parents'. The home I grew up returned so many memories. I wanted to dig deeper but time didn't allow. Now that I'm here I feel like I haven't really had enough of home yet. It's a weird comparison but I feel like a mobile phone that got pulled out of the charger before it could charge to 100%. Oh well. Guess the only thing to have now is hope to come back again soon. 

Now I know when it is time. 
When I cannot remember how to get back to the state of awareness that I am in right now, then it is time. And I will go even if I have to go alone.

State of awareness...

I wanted to write this down because I know that someday I will forget, just the way I forgot the last time.
When I left Singapore for the first time and lived in Germany I dived into a world I have never seen where life's pace is just a lot slower. It fit so much to the way I live and work best. I don't have to rush into anything, I can make proper decisions because there is no time pressure. It doesn't drain my energy as fast as my energy gets sucked out beyond recognition when I was living in Singapore.

It's almost inspiring to wake up knowing that I can decide what I'm going to do with my life today. The moment I came back I noticed a few again, like how glad I am to be here, away from all the noise and negative people and their toxins. And it doesn't mean that there aren't toxic people here, there are. And they were also the reason why I forgot about the state of awareness I was once in before now. And that was bad because the noise came back, the inner resistance towards anything and everything, and the stillness inside and the silence in my surrounding was gone just like that.

What I want to know is how to not let that happen again. Because if it happens again that would mean that I would need to go somewhere else again, back to a place I left for the very same reasons, to go back in time, to remember again what I had missed. I guess what I didn't do the last time was to always remind myself of where I am and where I used to be and how I came from there to here.
So this time around it's time to do that by hanging pictures on the walls in my home of good times as a symbol of reminder, and by hearing the voices of my family and friends back home at least once a week. Coz in any case, they're just a phone call away.


I get the urge to quickly fall back into my daily routine when I came back and this has been, for some reason, something I hesitated to do because the routine I was in took place in a time when everything was just so full of noise. Everything I did was a means to escape. Every task was stressful. Too much worry. I don't want that anymore.

I'd like to introduce a little structure into my life and follow through. And there will be new routines to keep things up, organized and running. And the new rule in my life is: If it helps, do it and get it. If it doesn't, get rid of it. 

Most important values to hold on to: Courage, Love, Awareness, Wisdom, Humility, Intention, Reason.

Marriage life...

There is a huge load off my shoulders now and it's because I can now say that I am married. Before this I wouldn't have been able to tell people that as if it was the most normal thing. Some of you know the story behind this but some of you won't, either way I won't be going into anymore details. It's a chapter that I can finally conclude after almost a decade of wondering how it's ever gonna end. So I lay it hereby to rest.

Marriage life, as much as it would like to be the center of the universe, is just a part of life. It's most probably going to be what the next chapter is about but at the same time how life changes for its good. But marriage to me didn't begin with a wedding, it began when I decided to devote myself to the man I want to grow with. And we've been there for each other ever since. And that's all I need.

I don't expect a fairytale, I don't expect Hollywood, I don't expect romance, I don't expect to follow the rules society have bestowed upon the meaning of a relationship or marriage life and what a chapter in it is supposed to consist of. He doesn't buy me $2000 rings, I don't cook him 3 meals a day. But he can always tell me "I told you so", and I can always say "no". Thing is, I don't like to think that we complete each other. But we need each other because sometimes one of us forgets, or just can't see, and that's when the other steps in to remind and to show the way. Reminding each other that even though sometimes we feel paralysed, broken or hopeless, that there is always another way to deal, even if someday, we're going to be alone again or separated by death. It is not about completing each other, it's about strengthening and empowering oneself as individuals. Courage even in fear.

It is something I'd love to pass on.

So something changed...

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