04 January 2015

Nothing else to look forward to

I am still trying to recover from last year's sudden stress level spike.

  • That moment when I thought I was going to a better school and made a grave mistake. That's when it all began bringing back some of worst, most paralyzing memories of my life.
  • That moment when I forced myself to catch up and keep up to survive until it killed the things that were once fulfilling to me. 
  • And that moment when I survived it all and made it through… as if it had been so easy… and it's been almost half a year yet it's still causing a lot of psychological and emotional pain.
Like going to war and coming back and never being the same person again. I feel traumatized, numb and I don't care or look forward to anything anymore. 

I've come to a point where I don't really know who I could talk to - isolation. Or if it would even help.

My thoughts can't seem to forgive me for making a mistake, for having to deal with people I cannot relate to, to whom I have nothing in common with.

And of all things I am complaining… always looking for an explanation where there is none.

This is all I can perceive ever since and it's not what I want.
At the same time I don't know what I want yet. I keep putting things away.

I've never been this locked out of my self-fulfilling prophecies and everything I've held high ever since my breakdown at least 5 years ago. 

There is this awful, irrational fear of going through that door and into the light.
To do the things I've always wanted to do but been putting away. I just don't trust it anymore like I used to. But it might have only been because I let one negative opinion let me down.

That's crazy.

There's something I need to find or see or understand fast… before this gets out of hand.

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