15 December 2014

Thoughts at night

Just past 9:00 PM as I start to write this down. I visited the blog of one my favourite artists yesterday and it pains me to see her going through a hard time. This was an artist who inspired me through her pain and through her art and to see her losing touch with her passion is so scary that I believe that a similar situation I'm going through is real. It's being human.

Source: www.nt.se

A look into how today was for me:
The day itself was alright. Nothing bad happened to the point that I was in any danger. I went to class and returned safely. The class and I went on an excursion to the local Christmas Market. Then we all had lunch at a café. Some read out their Christmas poetry out loud and the teachers read us a Christmas story. My friendly classmate drove some of us, including me, there and back. I got home safely. Nothing bad happened.

I missed my bus twice because I couldn't find my key so I had to show up late today.
But nothing bad happened.

It was a good day… and it troubles me that I didn't enjoy any of that. Until I got home and spent time with Micha. Until I watched the same political debate on YouTube for the second time. Until I listened to a virtual fireplace crackling in High Definition. Until I started up my laptop to write down my thoughts. Until I let "Becomes The Color" by Emily Wells run quietly in the background. Right here I am fine. But out there I am a piece of wreck pretending to be okay.

The irony of it all:
I feel like a hypocrite just because I'm hardly ever not stressed when I am around people I don't know, yet I'll be conducting a relaxing session with my class tomorrow (25 people) - to teach them how to calm down and relax. I don't know how that's supposed to make any sense to me. I recharge in stillness and solitude, yes.
But if I were to think in terms of "showing others how to relax" then it's just crazy in this case coz at the moment I'm a little too messed up to even calm down.

It's gonna turn out to be a very good relaxing session. I planned it not just based on experience conducting it with children but I also planned it thoroughly based on my pedagogic knowledge. It's a done deal. I know how it works. I've shown children and people how to relax and de-stress.
I just wish that I had someone who could do all this... for me too.

It's like being able to tattoo on other people's backs for so long but you can't really tattoo yourself there even if you've been wanting that for so long - not until you can find someone who is just as good as you are (or better).

Very dark times are coming:
I had a strange 'feeling' if you may call it that - a kind of perception - that something really crazy is going to happen in Germany and the only reason that's going to cause all the madness is a simple act of kindness: their willingness to take up of refugees from war-torn countries.
It's not a German thing, it's more like a European and Christian thing - love thy neighbour. And I think that's great…. it's just… at the same time it's feeding something evil.

There's a growing fear of terrorism in this society (an in the western world), the fear of 'islamization', the fear of 'Arabs', the fear of 'Foreigners' and this fear is growing into another emotion which I also call rage. The media has been reporting this 24/7 and at times I don't know what to believe anymore coz reports are hardly even objective or neutral. You listen to every damn opinion. And the masses take what they need… so they choose that fear which will turn into rage.

They're afraid of losing their status in their own country. Afraid of losing their jobs, afraid of being turned into something else… by the foreigners.

Should I feel threatened by this? That would be my next question.

What used to be the Jews back then seem to be the Muslims now - the enemy. But not just them. No. But anyone who's foreign-looking, regardless of whether or not they're a citizen. This is why I don't quite think that being fluent in the local language or being integrated is enough. Because if people are gonna hate, they're gonna hate.

Furthermore I will not claim that I am generalizing the situation in Germany because it's not the same everywhere here. It just seems to me that their efforts to promote Tolerance, Courtesy, so-called Inclusion, Diversity etc only struggle to no end. It's a massive change in this society that they are trying to bring in and this is making some groups of people very, very, very angry.
And they're not gonna give up their fight that easily so I really hope to God that people start to objectly see and critically think things over instead of just blindly believe what they are being told regardless who or what the source is.

But I just have a bad feeling about this.

Reluctant towards sleep:
My relationship to sleep has gone absolutely hostile at this point. As written above nothing bad happens (except for my darkest dreams). But I don't recharge or heal from it. It's just spending a lot of hours being unconscious to me - an empty state of space I'd rather be aware of instead of unconscious in. But biology tells the brain to work on other things like to teach itself through dreams.
Well I don't really need anymore dreams that replicate my routines so damn well. Something new would be nice but I guess I can't trigger that unless I change my state of mind and my attitude towards sleep.
Coz right now it's nothing but a waste of time to me. Sorry to sound like a teenager during puberty but this is a strange phase. I don't know anyone alive who has ever hated sleep...

…okay I take that back.
Good to know I'm not the only one.

My thoughts are telling me right now… to prepare for my presentation on Tuesday, project on Wednesday and tests on Thursday. But I think I've thought about this and prepared it enough. What worries me is not the fact that I am not prepared but the fact that I am preparing to be good enough for other people.
How do you even enjoy shit like that? And how do I even think about it differently because isn't something else either, is it? It's about an interesting topic but having to prove yourself just kills the fun. I'm usually confident when it comes to public speaking but if I'm not experiencing it then it's just… a waste of my personal energy.

So before I go to sleep tonight:
I'm going to throw out my rotten lunch that's been lying in my handbag now for a week (yes, gross, I know), make some supper, overdose on lavender tea, pack everything I need for class tomorrow, shower and climb into my cold bed, into my cold sheets, shiver for a minute, lie flat on my stomache and focus on my breathing until a couple of hours pass by without me noticing - fast forward to tomorrow.

Something to look forward to:
The winter. Lots of snow.
It's not quite here yet.
And Göttingen once again.

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