14 April 2014

Even the most challenging phase in life has a light at the end

This entry is going to be something very close and personal to me. Something which I haven't been able to let out in a very long time. Something complicated, hard and eye-opening. But I don't want to talk about what it was that happened in the past 8 months. I have spoken, written and cried about it enough.
This is about a tear in my skin that - I am still afraid - would never heal, but at the same time I know that it would. My Ricochet-Effect. Fear in absolute faith.

This is a short 'log' on what the past 8 months were like... in short. 

October 2013:

Balcony in Germany
(October 2013)

I'm here on my balcony in Germany wearing one of my favourite summer tops. Thing is... it was autumn that day. It was sunny but cold. I stood outside anyway for awhile. Then I took this picture while I was thinking about my family and being back on my home-island, just because that's where they are and that's where I found my creative side. This creative side died that day and I didn't know how to say goodbye other than to remember what it was like when I took a similar photo exactly 5 years ago. I was wearing the same top outside at the balcony, feeling alright:

Balcony in Singapore
(October 2008)

I desperately knew that something huge was missing and that I wanted my own self back. I wanted to be inspired again, I wanted to be bored to be able to be creative and I wanted to live and take the day as it comes. At the same time I was trying to accept the fact that there was this massive pressure looming all over me, pressing me down.

At this point I was starting to lose a lot of hair, I was always falling sick, always angry, irritable and frustrated. I felt disappointed and just robbed of my life. I wanted to give up but at the same time kept fighting.
My tendency to ricochet
I never liked this tendency because it makes me think I'm indecisive. At the same time I knew that I would have to thank it later.

November 2013:

Short hair.

I let Micha hold the camera for me this time so he can take some shots from his point of view. I didn't care if it was okay or not. It was just fun. I was sitting in our dark living room, in front of a candle that was lit and I was just staring in it.

Micha asked me at times if I was okay. I couldn't quite give him an answer. I was just really glad and thankful that he was there. (I wouldn't have been writing this down if he weren't there for me.)
I was staring in the flame because I needed just a little light at the end of the tunnel so badly that I had to make one to see if it can be real.

In November I also decided to cut my hair shorter than I would ever want to wear them (I don't think short hair suits me but that's just how I feel). I cut them out of frustration, but at the same time out of inner grief. I lost my imagination, my creativity, my ability to become inspired, my sanctuary, my laughter - those of which were important to me as a person and I needed to see these go just so I can move on. There was no use crying about it. 
So I cut away a part of me - which I would otherwise never do. I saw it lifeless on the floor, gathered it up thoroughly and got rid of it. It was hard but I no longer wanted it to be a burden to carry. It was goodbye and it was my own way of saying that I will just get this phase over and done with.

"There's a way out of no-way-out."

Between November 2013 and March 2014 there was nothing. I was beside myself a lot, yet at the same time trying to keep my feet on the ground. I was consciously bottling up a lot of issues even after talking about them to my small circle of friends. It wasn't because I wanted to hurt myself, but I realized that talking about it too much might trigger my negative emotions which I might not be able to slow down too quickly. That's because emotions do take over very easily and I didn't want that.
So I felt what I felt, did what I had to do, got things done and partly undone, paused for awhile (for a week to emergency-recover) and kept on going.

 You are a child of the universe,no less than the trees and the stars;you have a right to be here.And whether or not it is clear to you,no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. - "Desiderata", Max Ehrmann

This was my mantra for weeks on end.
I love it.

April 2014:

This is today.

I get ready every morning in front of this huge mirror and one morning after I finished I decided to grab the camera for - what people call these days - another 'Selfie'. I took this picture about a week into the Easter Holidays here in Germany (that goes 'til 22nd April this year) and this is me recovering.
4 months into Yoga now and it has been like a border that separates the unpleasant experiences from my private life. It slows me down and tells me to deep-breathe. It was a piece of my security which was possible to bring back - and that gave me some hope... that I can bring some things back. The things I need.

I died my hair jet black to get rid of the red tint that had been around since I died it red in Sweden 2 years ago (April 2012). There's something about the blackest black that makes me happy. People don't notice because it makes no difference to an untrained eye. Yet they have wondered why I look somewhat... cheerful. Well, that's the difference.
My hair has grown just a little but I'll let it grow 'til it's long again.

Even though I would like to believe that I have pulled through this crazy phase, it's not really over yet. I see the light at the end of the tunnel but I'm not there yet. This Easter break is allowing me to breathe, take my time and be alone. But one thing I am still struggling with is to slow myself down and learn to be bored again. The worst is probably over but the scars it left behind are still a bit haunting. After 8 months of constant work, pressure and bullshit, this thinking is still at the back of my mind: I have to get something done, I have to go somewhere, I have to make something, I have to this and I have to that. 
But no. I have to nothing.

Until now I've done nothing but wasting time. And it feels good.
I've watched some films on DVDs and there are more to watch that I can hardly wait: The Hobbit, The Hunger Games, Kill Bill, The Addams Family, Interview with the Vampire, Barton Fink and plenty more.
And lying in bed without worrying about tomorrow is a blessing I've been thankful for.
Also playing some of my favourite games - a childhood thing I brought back - like the Fatal Frame series or Wrath of the Lich King (Warcraft) just to beg my broken fantasy to beat again.

And most of all... doing nothing is up next just to summon the boredom that I haven't experienced in the longest time in my life. I wasn't allowed to be bored. There were deadlines to meet. Now I need my boredom back. Without it I can't really... be creative. Can't hold a brush properly, can't draw a line, can't mix a colour, can't write a sentence, can't say a word. Boredom - now that I think about it - isn't that bad at all. Lesson learned.

Despite my slight concerns, I know that someday soon this phase will be over and I will be completely alright.


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