So angry at my teachers, so angry at my schoolmates and so angry at everything I'm going through.
Why is it so hard to forgive?
Why can't I forget a painful memory?
Why do I hold a grudge on so many people, who I don't give a shit about?
Maybe it's because I believe that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Every week I experience unpleasant situations in school that robs me of my concentration, my motivation and my patience. I cannot even begin to explain what happened or how. All I can say is that I was ridiculed in front of others, who themselves are being ridiculed too by the teacher without even realizing it. It frustrates me to no end and I don't know how to get rid of it.
At some point I wanted to just leave the situation… that typical stereotypical reaction to a problem: to run.
At some point I wanted to speak up… to be able to approach the matter in a reasonable way.
And at some other point I wanted to take revenge… that typical reaction of wanting to give back some of that pain so that one would feel better about his/herself.
So what did I decide on? I spoke up.
I spoke with the teacher who's causing this entire chaos and told her how this is pulling me further down than I can afford to go.
So what was the result? I felt like I was speaking to a brick wall.
She was distant, she hardly made eye contact, she turned my words around and most of all… hardly even listened. I was astounded at the most emotionally distant and blank person I have ever met in my life. If she were a he… then I swear I could've been talking to another a-hole Dr. House.
I cannot imagine a teacher who isn't in any position to acknowledge her students… to pick them up from where they are… to guide them through without authority… to observe with full attention to know where their differences are… to not even indirectly emotionally abuse… and to be able to empathize, exchange and constructively criticize.
She is everything a teacher is not… and I am just… disgusted.
Disgusted at the fact that this person is supposed to be my role model in my career as an early childhood educator. Disgusted even more when I found out that when she was once a student like I am, she almost got laid off from her practicum (which could've costed her her whole career) for being a stone-cold, unpleasant, distant, emotionless piece of crap.
Sorry but she does not deserve a better description. So that doesn't quite impress me either.
I mean, it's cool and all, that's she's this hardcore person inside. Applause, applause. Yoohoo. But the universe will still unfold as it should. I have to get used to her as much as she has to get used to me. And to all of her other students. The most basic pedagogic principle. There can otherwise be no teaching.
Apart from that I'm also disgusted at my own attitude towards this which has practically metastasized into a huge-ass mother of a bad attitude towards other teachers who actually do do their jobs well.
I know it's normal to develop a kind of unreasonable association once you've had an extremely bad (or good) experience, but at some point I should be able to separate this negative experience from the others, which have nothing to do with it.
That in particular is my problem right now. Everytime I see a teacher walk in I feel sick and feel the need to leave the classroom. It's that bad. I know it's not right… and I need to get rid of this attitude.
I just don't know how yet.
Maybe I should just start by being in the present moment without thought.
My classmates think that I'm just too held back… so much to the point that I don't even stand up for my rights. That was a big reality check (aka blow to my face) in the beginning. As bad as it sounded though, I wasn't particularly concerned because it immediately made no sense to me. If I don't stand up for my rights then why was I the only one to have spoken up to the teacher to say that what she's doing is wrong? I wanted her to know what she's doing to me and she does know now. Whether or not she's gonna do something about it, it's not up to me. But the others - her minions as I would say - just keep giving her what she wants, they keep pushing themselves just to impress her and yet they believe without a doubt that I should be stooping to their level to even be good enough for her!
God help them.
I can't believe how stupid people can be while believing that they're doing something right.
Geez. I really can't.
Anyway… I sense that I'm pretty much beside myself at the moment.
What happened to learning by doing?
What happened to learning from mistakes?
What happened to learning at one's own pace, style and time?
Practically as non-existent as a bunch of flying pigs.
I go to class every Monday and Tuesday with the wrong expectations… abuse is when the student is being threatened with being degraded, when he/she is being punished with extra work for not discussing enough about every little detail in class, and when the best that he/she is giving still isn't good enough.
If you're a teacher and you've done stuff like that to someone then you should take all your books and run into fire because that is exactly the kind of behaviour that's causing this huge divide in our society between rich and poor, smart and dumb, cool and sloppy, normal and disabled, good enough and not good enough, perfect and imperfect, superior and subordinate etc.
Shame on you. As a teacher you should know better.
At the end of the day I find myself under a pile of workload and a mind that is so tired of everything that went on that day. And most of all… this disgust… that she isn't teaching me anything about teaching… she's teaching me how to pretend, how to play an arrogant role, how to set myself apart from the losers and how to forget who I am.
I don't have time for that superficial egoistic shit.
There's still enough respect and integrity in me. Not gonna make a fool of myself like the minions.