My first thought today as I came home from school was:
How long can I take it before I really give up?
I never thought that I would think that way about my new school.
Maybe I'm just being a whiny bitch, is all. But am I so wrong to be helpless too sometimes?
These are the things that have been bothering me ever since September:
- Having overwhelmingly too many things to do for school that I can't really rest anymore.
- Having to take part in discussions in class because that adds up to 60% of the final grades... BUT the things that are being discussed are just way out of my league - for instance, things I can never in my life relate to. In general I just don't have the need to talk so much like many people here do - so in other words: I'm probably already doomed.
- Because I made a tough decision to leave a group (stood up for myself) whose rumours in class had now officially made me the big bad evil witch who everyone hates.
- And I keep thinking about changing schools, which I cannot because it's just legally not possible to change school in the middle of the school year.
- Changing schools is probably not going to solve these problems either.
So I am left with a huge dilemma... do I carry on or do I quit?
I can't quit.. that would beat the whole purpose of even starting.
I know that I bend and break under too much pressure. If life was a game then I'm the striker. Not the defender. But I am now playing defense and I don't know if I can take it any longer. I don't know when I'm going to lose the ball because I just don't know how to stop it.
I read somewhere on the internet that if you can't take it anymore then you have to start giving.
It's an interesting thought... maybe I have to think about that. Maybe I have to start giving myself something positive... stop taking things too seriously... going with the flow. But am I not doing that already? I can't believe how overwhelmed I feel from the fact that I just don't know where I fit in.
I'm overwhelmed... by the workload and by silly people doing silly things to me and I need little help to stay motivated. I've only ever had nightmares of running away from a homocidal maniac since I started in my new school. There is no falling asleep and there is no sleep.
No rest. I've given up painting, I've given up my free time. What more can I give so that it works?
I want to keep going but I don't know how...