14 November 2013

Rage comes from the darkest side of me


There are so many things going on in me right now. Ever since I started in the new school, ever since I'm always in working mode, ever since I keep coming home every other fortnight breaking down in tears for the things that are simply too much for me - I can't help noticing that inside me... everything has been a big mess.

It's a deadly cycle that takes me from Problem to Effort to Tears to Giving It Another Chance to Accepting It As It Is and finally towards fighting back with Anger.
I am so angry at the stress that I keep getting - that never seems to stop. Not even when I get home with the intention to rest.

I get the feeling that nothing in my head seems to work anymore. I get angry about the fact that the toilet seat is broken, I get angry because the sink is clogged, I get angry because the soap dispenser is empty, I got angry when a fly flew in my face, I get angry because there's so much (professional) work to do which I now extremely despise, I get angry at the people I see in school, I get angry when the children at work provoke me, I get angry just looking at additional work that needs to be done around the house which I've dropped because I know that I have enough in my head already, I'm angry because I cannot mentally shut down (I probably might) and I get so angry at the next thought that comes to my mind.
How am I supposed to bend under enormous pressure and not break?
If it's a behaviour that one can learn.
Then please. Teach me.

Right now there is so much adrenalin in me that I need to run for at least an hour before I feel better again... and so much energy that I don't know where to project. Energy I could no longer hold back.
I've tried enough, I've cried enough and I'm tired.

Honestly it sucks to be writing such things in my blog too because I didn't want to start off this way but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do if not to talk about it.

I swear I could've beat the shit out of this kid today for provoking me. The fact that my conscience kicked in and literally forced me to pull myself back for a few seconds to deep-breathe actually saved his (and my) ass. That was me at the edge of my breaking point and my breaking point is today.
And this is dangerous... I can't work - let alone function - like this. I DON'T want to hurt anybody.

I could've broken plates and glasses today because they were useless to me in that moment. I had them in my hand and I didn't want them there - weights pulling me down. Further than where I'm already at.

There is somehow a big black blanket over me and I see nothing. I don't see the good things happening around me and I don't see the things I could be thankful for. So much (threatening) noise in my head that I just want to get out.
I need to get out.

All I hear... of the things that could help... is "get over it".
"Snap out of it."
"Why do you do this to yourself?"

This is not a daydream to snap out of.
This is real to me.

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