13 July 2013

Hard times

June 2013 - trying to smile for the camera

Who are we to judge whether a time in our lives are hard or easy... it might be hard for me but nothing to you. I just need to let it out.
I know that I've been experiencing a lot in the past few months - things that have hit me in the face, in my chest, in my heart, straight and deep and sometimes entirely right through.

It's been awhile since I crawled back into the deepest part of me and now - enough is enough - I'm there again.
Right here...
I put my headphones on, I listen to the sounds I like. Loud.
I open a big blank sheet of something and lay it in front of me... a piece of paper... a virtual space... a canvas... and start to depict the condition I'm in.
Nothing else matters for now. I don't know any other worlds. I thought I couldn't find a way to block the rest of all things but I have.
I want to stay here until I'm ready to come out.

The most profound emotion I experience right now is frustration. And because I've been pushing frustration after frustration over time far into the background they bounce back now with a vengeance. Like a really heavy, rusty, nasty spring that finally deserves to be free.... but not without hurting me.

It's hard to describe how it's been but I can try. In the olden days people would say, it's like being on the road and losing your way and finding no one to ask directions for. In the 21st century people would say, it's like losing your cellphone. No wait. Smartphone. Or like having no internet access. So what do you do?
Life goes on so you absolutely must move on. But you turn to the simplest things. You go back to basics. You trust your instincts and when they take over you surrender. The transition is agonising but it eases off soon enough. Makes you remember who you really are.

Many things - not so pretty things - happened, which I would no longer speak of now so that had lead to this.
And the summer affects me in such mean ways but I don't blame it. It's a beautiful summer that allows my body to rest from those months of frosty temperatures, yet it takes my sleep away. It's so bright, colourful, warm and that's okay, it's just... it reminds me all the time of how I miss winter, the long nights, the long walks in the snow and the frozen, sleeping landscapes that heal me inside out.
I was glad earlier this year when spring came a month too late.

Days, weeks and months pass and I've been asking myself, "So what should I do?"
No answer.
Now I know. I should stop asking.
I should stop.
It's time to be and stay in silence.

My anxiety is the result of being occupied with other things in my life instead of making it a habit to come back to the deepest part of me. That was my biggest mistake. Now a big blow emerged and forced me back in and I guess if it hadn't then I would've never found my way.

For me is isolation still the best solution when it gets too much.
When I'm around other people/things for too long I just end up paralysed - I can't write, I can't paint, I can't breathe.

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