03 April 2013

Looking for the part of me I left behind

I long for that relationship with my art again.
I'm having a meeting right now with my self... the inner critic... and something that is missing... knowing and feeling like I've betrayed and forgotten about the creative side of me and left her in a deep, dark tunnel with no air.

In the past when I was having a hard time struggling with life and religion, that part of me came and was present 24/7, she held my hand, consoled me, embraced and cuddled me, gave me space to breathe, relaxed me, talked and listened to me and most of all she and I... as one... we became a portal through which all ideas and creativity that wanted to be manifested were born.

Now I'm afraid... that she has found someone else.

If I go back to that tunnel, I wouldn't know if I'd find her again.
But it hurts to be back there. I'm asking myself, why can't I have both? A good life like now and this burning spirit of passion and lust? Why does my life need to be a mess for her to be there? I don't want this burden.

I take a look inside me and I see a different kind of passion. One that breathes for language, for the rat race, for grades and that desire to educate young children. I like it but it isn't the same. It drains me.

I'm making a list of all the things I did right back then, when art was there for me and I for it. It never left my mind, not a second. Every move I made, it synchronised with me. I knew and had a place to go to and be, and that's where I can always find it.... even when I don't mean to.
And time used to be my colleague but now it's challenging me.

Something isn't right and I need to fix it.
I need to remember everything I did when between art and I everything was perfect. It's time to show her that I didn't mean to forget... I honestly haven't.

I don't know if changing certain things and making some decisions now would summon her back... but I know that this is going to be painful.

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