Stark Corner

My class hated me today for being the only one with an A in Math. They also assumed that I'm the teacher's pet, which means I have to be, right?
Wrong. I don't get shit from my teacher because I'm the only one who doesn't do shit in class. If you know what I mean. I don't show up late, or not show up at all, come up with excuses, ask stupid questions or make zero effort.
Neither do I carry his bag, or pull out his chair, or make him coffee, or sleep with him, or bring him an apple a day.
I earned that damned A.
(Not bad for 13% logic in my head.)

Alright... and I received news that I'm being considered as a candidate for the two-year early childhood education training. My teachers are entirely positive about it - sure that I would be accepted. But... I'm gonna save myself from disappointment and expect nothing.
The news will show up very soon anyway, so... I'm just going to wait and see.

I stayed up late last night and thought about watching Freddy VS Jason and Halloween but then I changed my mind after putting in the DVD. Instead I decided to watch a documentary about people who suffer from hoarding - a mental disorder that makes one collect junk over years, never cleaning up, never throwing stuff away. Very sad. But eye-opening.

Then I watched another documentary about a day in a life of a locksmith. He actually showed how easy it is to break into someone's home (with a piece of hard paper!). Especially when a door is only being closed but not locked. And he was all like, "Always lock your door no matter what." And the guy earns thousands of Euros a day helping people in Berlin with door issues. In one single day!
Who would've thought of that?

Think I'll stay up late again tonight and do some Biology. There'll be another test tomorrow (I'm thinking that all I ever do in school here is get tested in every subject) so maybe that will make me want to go to sleep tonight.

I'll have the entire apartment to myself this week and the next. Give me some cool ideas about everything that you'd do, if you were me :-P

Motivation for my baby.

It's his dream to someday have a little garden of his own so that he can plant his own spices, herbs, fruits and veggies.

These were Jamie Oliver's ("The Naked Chef") latest pictures from his garden.
So colourful, so awesome, so organic. But I need help recognising some of these!

For the first time in 7 months, I could see what surrounds me when I make my way - 20 minutes on foot - to the bus terminal at 6 in the morning. I'm starting to feel nervous waking up because the sky's slowly turning from black to dark blue to bright, bright blue.
Days are getting longer.
Nights shorter.
Like a new world or something.
*sigh*

I've been thinking a lot these past couple of days.
Or rather listening to crazy stuff going through my head to the point that I'm just listening and not responding. Which also means I didn't (couldn't) talk much.

I actually feel pretty rotten, but I'm going to lie and say that everything's all good.

Fantastic.

It's bed time though I'm not tired.
Excitement and disappointment - pulling over me until I lost a little control today.
My colleague witnessed how I raised my voice at a poor kid coz she started hysterically flipping out over her fingers getting 'lost' in her goddamned gloves.
I mean, this kid cries, like, all the time.
She can't get her foot into her shoe and she cries.
She can't get something out from a shelf coz it's stuck, so she cries.
She spreads too much butter on her bun, so she cries.
So much frustration in such a small body.
Unbelievable.
Now I know that my colleague probably thinks I'm a psycho.

Well I snapped out of it in a split second - soon enough.
Calmed down and decided to just communicate with the being suppressed and controlled by the frustration (instead of with the frustration).

Colleague drove me home today and I asked her to drop me off down town. Took a little walk. My head was spinning, I was drowsy and all nauseated. The cold rain helped for awhile.
Happens when I get way too stressed up. Like in the past few days leading up to today. Today was probably the orgasm of the whole phase.

Then I got home and received a "fun" piece of paper with some bunnies on it that made me smile.

What turns me on more than morbidity?

Happy morbidity!



Foster The People - Pumped Up Kicks 

Robert's got a quick hand.
He'll look around the room, he won't tell you his plan.
He's got a rolled cigarette,
hanging out his mouth he's a cowboy kid.

Yeah he found a six shooter gun.
In his dads closet with a box of fun things,
and I don't even know what.
But he's coming for you, yeah he's coming for you saying:


Daddy works a long day.
He be coming home late, yeah he's coming home late.
And he's bringing me a surprise. '
Cause dinner's in the kitchen and it's packed in ice.
I've waited for a long time.
Yeah the slight of my hand is now a quick pull trigger,
I reason with my cigarette,
And say your hair's on fire, you must have lost your wits, yeah.

faster than my bullet.

In the desert 
Stephen Crane 

I saw a creature, naked, bestial, 
who, squatting upon the ground, 
Held his heart in his hands, 
And ate of it. 
I said, "Is it good, friend?" 
"It is bitter -- bitter," he answered; 
"But I like it 
Because it is bitter, 
And because it is my heart." 


  

It's clear. One word. Five letters.
Cross the line and you've sinned.

I came across a post on Facebook this evening from someone who made it clear that wearing fake eyelashes and mascara is in Islam "haram", in other words: forbidden. So forbidden that it is a sin you will be punished for.
By God.
The most Loving.
The most Merciful...?

She even stated why it's forbidden.... a simple statement from the Hadith (collected sayings from the Prophet Muhammad) which reads:

"The Lord shall damn women who extends her hair or asks her hair to be extended."

I grew up in school with the person who posted this.
I grew up knowing that she has always been religious. Always perfect. Always the one who memorised pages and pages from the Quran. And she was a nice girl. Still is. She's soft-spoken, disciplined, obedient (like hell), and exceptionally feminine. And I have nothing against her for posting this.

What bugs me is what all this reminds me of - a past that left me all shaken and confused.

 I could wake up one day just to get another strange rule rammed into my head, and I was told that such rules come from a credible source when not from the Quran. And I ended up asking myself WHY?

Who can prove that the Prophet said that?
Who can prove that the Hadith is untouched, unmodified, unaltered in any sort of way?
But then who talked about hair extensions and mascara and fake eyelashes thousands of yeas ago? Tyra Banks? I don't think so.

Another question I have is why women?
Why do women in Islam have to put up with so many rules?
I remember being reprimanded by my teachers for wearing pants in school. They even told me to leave.
I remember having my keychains (souvenirs from my travels) confiscated from my schoolbag because they 'attract too much attention'.
And I remember my mum and grandmother pulling me aside and telling me that I will be damned because I stopped wearing the scarf, and for good.

Rules, rules, rules....
And ridiculous ones at that.
It drove me insane.

Now it's mascara and fake eyelashes.
But then again, why just mascara and fake eyelashes? Why not generalize and say that make-up, in any shape and form, is forbidden?
But then again I'm sure there's somewhere a Hadith for that too.
Somewhere.
Just have to go Google it.

I'm wondering what damage mascara and fake eyelashes do, for a woman to deserve to be damned.
And if a muslim transvestite (God forbid) or cross-dresser does the same, does he get damned? Or does he not get damned just because he's actually a MAN?

Sounds a little too sexist, doesn't it?

Oh wait, they do sin too since they're not supposed to dress up as women.

I'm also really sure that I have heard of a Hadith that says something like: if the muslim women does not put effort into beautifying herself for her lawful husband, she has sinned.
Tell me how in the world without a little make-up?
Someone trying to shit with me here.

So what is it then?
No make-up for women?
No make-up for men?
No make-up at all?
Had anyone ever made a clear, logical decision?

And if a woman doesn't beautify herself and her shallow husband goes all Bluetooth and searches for other devices then it's her fault again!
Wow... what a good way to stab women in the back.
You just gotta love it.

Contradiction after contradiction after contradiction.
Explains why I just don't need this craziness in my life.

It's really not an issue.
Not all women put on make-up, or fake-eyelashes (a nightmare) or mascara.
It's not the most important thing in the world that deserves to be a rule or a law.

This just had to remind me again of all the shit that went through my mind... the rules they taught me in school, the rules they taught me at home, and how not a day passed without me shitting myself thinking: "I've sinned. I'm going to hell. He'll punish me."

So much until I got angry and cursed at God for making all the rules. But He wasn't the one.
Until I got angry at myself for letting indoctrination get to me. But I wasn't the one.
Until I walked away from every single person who keeps putting these ideas into my head.
Ideas that made me suicidal.

I'm not going back.

Eyecatching concept - "Possession" Collection - by graphic designer and photographer, Daniel Brokstad.

• A winter jacket or coat [mine is filled with down - (feathers)].
• A winter cap, hat, whatever that covers your head - you lose more than 60% of your body heat through your head.
• And the thickest scarf or wrap-around you can find. Mine covers almost half of my face since that delays the frosty winds from numbing my entire face muscles (yes, and when that happens you will not be able to enunciate any words out of your mouth).

Tropical Girl in the North

There was once a girl who was born on the equator.
It was 13:30 hours, 28° Centrigrade and the sun was shining. The sun was always shining.

Her world was perfect.
The salty air from the surrounding sea was always warm. Soothing when she breathed and it goes in.
She was breathing.
Watching.
Still.

The girl grew up one day and met a traveller from the north. She saw that he was tired, flushed, sweating and shaking.
She took him in and sheltered him.
Showed him her world.

She was watching.

The sun burned him.
The light - blinding.
The air choked him.
The nights - suffocating.

And then she kissed him.
"Will you take me now," she said.
"To your world?"
And they disappeared into the skies.

The girl woke up one day in the north.
It was 06:00 hours, -15° Centrigrade
Feathers floated from the clouds to the ground.
Feathers?
The sun wasn't there.

His world was white.
The bitter mountain air was always cold.
Torturing when she breathed and it goes in.
She was breathing.
Watching.
Still.

The cold numbed her.
The fog - frightening.
The air choked her.
Her lungs - screaming.

And then he embraced her.
"Will you show me now," she said.
"How to stay alive?"

He embraced her.

I've been extremely over the moon about putting this piece online - a wedding deep in emptiness, stillness and space, which was not so easy to plan.