09 October 2012

Sleepless autumn nights

Autumn trees seen on my way home.
Today is the day we turn the heater on. Haha. I wonder why I have to announce that. It's one of those days where I carry a conversation with no one other than myself.

Woke up this morning after a good night's sleep, though I was almost late for school. Not very typical of me but when that happens then it isn't a good sign.

Had my breakfast of toast, irish butter and marmalade. And made me coffee. I used to not like coffee but it's like hot chocolate to me these days. I like it with milk.

I slipped into my high heels this morning. Somehow had the urge to feel / walk like a woman. I don't know why I gave in. The clacking of my heels is one reason I've avoided wearing them. But this morning I was listening to Micha's playlist in my MP3 player - a bunch of songs from the 80's that I thought wasn't so bad that also distracted me from the clacking.

The 30-minute walk to school I spent thinking about Micha was rather calming. I was thinking about the past... and I was thinking about the way he thinks. I felt like, for a moment, I was in his mind.

Went to the doctor today to get this injection against the flu virus.
"Are you healthy?" the doctor asked.
"No diarrhea, cough, anything?"
He took the syringe to my arm and stopped within milimeters from my skin.
"Wait. Are you pregnant?"
I looked at him. "No"

Good God.

I hate the thought of my body being destroyed by a growing foetus which later rips itself out of me without mercy.
I don't know if I would ever forgive myself.

Off to the grocery I went and back again. There were children on the way who were fascinated in me even though I wasn't really in a good mood. And the people who passed me by stared. They always... stare.

I'm home again now. It's quiet.
I'm looking at my to-do list... only filled with uninteresting things. Well I'd pick one thing out tonight and get it over with. Shouldn't be so hard.

Since I've been confronted with Mr. Loneliness, I'd rather not hesitate and let him in. The more I go against it, the worse it gets. So I'd like a lot of time alone now.
Just days and days alone.


  1. why do you even need the flu shot...

  2. To prevent from being virus-raped, perhaps?
    Last winter I got vasculities after what I thought was a common cold. Remember? I'll be interning in kindergartens too in the next couple of months.

  3. kindergarten part, i get. you getting raped like last year, don't think it'd happen again
    you getting pregger, maybe