15 June 2012

My conscience showed me how to stop being too nice

Why do people want to hurt me?

I don't want to think that people are shit but after what happened yesterday I chose to do so.

Now I see that I am being nice for all the wrong reasons and it's a curse that's been around me ever since I could remember. But in the end it only backfires, not in the way that I expect other people to be nice to me but in a way that they end up using me.

I kept thinking: so what do I do? Do I just stop being nice or do I have to aim at being an arrogant, manipulating bitch to save my insanity? What's the worst that could happen, right?

Last night I broke down. I felt so much anger, so much disappointment, so much irritation that I wanted to really break things and scream. My tears were useless. Crying didn't make me feel better, it's just reaction that drains me of every bit of energy I have left to pick myself up and be okay again. I look at myself in the mirror, disappointed, looking at my red eyes, crying. Who is this person looking at me? I don't know her anymore.

It was a mistake going to bed in that situation... with one of worst headaches and nausea. Just sick to my stomache. All this made me have overwhelming nightmares where I see myself trying to save hundreds of innocent children from being run over by a train in an underground station.
These children symbolised not just helplessnes and innocence, they also symbolised naivity and most of all: all the wrong reasons for being nice.

I felt the need to save these 'hundreds of children', who were bound and lined up by people on the cold iron tracks. Children who had no idea that they are about to be killed....
As though I was responsible for them, but in fact I was not. I was them. I lay myself down for other people to run me over.... I lay myself down like iron tracks are used to be driven over.

I stood and watched the trains come. Trains. Many. One after the other running them all over. How these children screamed and cried and bled... I cannot describe. And then they were quiet and didn't move anymore.

What's the point? I thought. What's the point of trying to save them?
What's the point of thinking that I'm responsible for all this? What the point of even thinking that I could do something about it? They were killed and that was that. I should've known better.

After being underground I saw a little boy holding my hand who also wanted to escape. He showed me an opening with light coming through it. We went through the opening and stepped on a hanging bridge made of rope and planks of wood, and we were suddenly high up in the blank white sky with nothing underneath.

The bridge had only one railing on the right side for us to hold on to... and to make it worst the bridge was dangling, hanging, swaying in every possible direction... so unbalanced that hardly anyone could walk across. The boy lost his grip and I grabbed him in time. And then I lost my grip and we hung in the air. I was still holding on to the bridge and I wanted to let go.

In that moment I thought this is where I have to make another decision. Then I changed my mind about letting go. I was angry. Nothing is going to make me give in anymore now, not even this goddamned unstable bridge (another symbol for the people who hurt me, who won't let me through for once). But it won't and cannot stop me this time because I am going to keep walking no matter how bad this bridge wants to throw me off. (No matter how bad people will react when I say NO).

I held on firmly with my right hand and with the other hand I swung the boy back onto the bridge and climbed back on. I held the boy close to me, told him not to move until the bridge stops swaying. We walked on even though the bridge at our feet was incredibly unreliable... but we slowly walked on.
It began to stop swaying and somehow gradually solidified into metal. And there were no more worries.

Then I woke up and the first thing that came to mind was... So many children (all the wrong reasons I was being nice for) died and only one little boy stayed with me. One good reason who showed me the right way and how it's supposed to be done even if it's hard in the beginning. One reason who tells me to put myself before the world for once.

Yet there will always be people who want to hurt me, walk over me, throw me off, push me away, or pressure me. But I have one good reason to say: No.Whoever you are, I cannot and will not always help you, please you, or be there for you. Go the fuck away.

1 comment:

  1. You have very vivid dreams.

    Yeah, we can't be nice to everyone all the time. As much as we want to believe it, not everyone will truly appreciate the things we do for them. It's up to us to gain wisdom each passing day to help us decide who to help and who not to.

    Just remember Ira, try not to be a bad person while you're looking out for yourself. Know your limits.