30 June 2012

10 days alone (but so what?)

"I know what's going on.
I don't need to ask.

I don't need to doubt."

Those were the words I wrote in my journal last night before going to sleep.
I know exactly where they came from and they didn't come from me.

Short steps and deep breaths - what I've been taking a lot lately besides lying in bed or waking up alone feeling all horny and sexually frustrated sometimes.
So much energy that I'm taking with me into the start of the week before releasing them into my art.

There's a hint of excitement when I draw a starting line, knowing that I will cross it and when I do there's no turning back. Coming to my art... is like going to a secret rendezvous.

This time - the time when I spend 10 days alone - takes place at just the right moment.
I admit that I'm really glad I ran some errands in the past few days. There was an important event at the vocational school I will be going to from September onwards and I learned about some important things I need to keep in mind before the new semester starts. Including looking for an internship in a kindergarten which I'd have to do in November and in February 2013.

I didn't like the fact that I had yet another thing to add on my to-do list so I decided that I would find an internship right the next day, which was Friday.
I knew how hard this could be but I went against this thought and picked up the phone anyway.
I called the city hall (since most of the kindergartens are managed by them) and they told me that they don't offer any internships and that I'd have to call the kindergartens directly. They told me that I should visit a website where I could see who's offering interships but when I went to the site I found zero kindergartens under the local list, which is just stupid.

Okay. So I decided again. Googled. Saw an entire list of kindergartens in town and what do I find? A list of evangelist kindergartens. Great. As if they would want to even dream of taking me in.
I kept on searching and found one. A normal kindergarten where parents are also encouraged to volunteer.
I picked up the phone and called. And I was straight away invited for an interview on the same day. I was like, hey great, yes I'll come over, the place is like 20 minutes on foot, no problem.

I went, meet the supervisor of the kindergarten, we talked, we got to know each other, she gave me a tour of the place and I got the job! :)
Just like that.
Couldn't be more proud of myself that I managed this on my own. No longer have to think about it anymore until I start there this winter. This is so important for the vocational school later because it's the practical part of the whole training (besides the theory of course). If I had listened to my negative thoughts of it being such a difficult task, I would've waited too long until the last minute only to find out that all the vacancies are gone.

Well that's not going to be the case anymore.

It's a big relief and because of this I feel so free.

I already began my next painting and I've been studying the male torso and muscles (well, a little) so that I can do it justice. Hehe. Just an interesting step to take while I'm putting lots of effort into it.

To leave negative thoughts alone was never an easy task for me but there are moments when I really can. They are never really loud until I'm alone which is why I have this love-hate relationship with it. Each time I go through it I feel like standing on a trap door that's just waiting to open and swallow me in and the only way I can escape it is to not think about it - to focus on something else.

So I accept it, the way it will be... whether my ghosts gain on me or not.
I also think that being alone isn't a bad thing at all. It's precious time to enjoy, learn and recuperate.

It's past 9pm here, warm but not hot, and the sky is still so blue.

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