20 April 2012

Tables turn

It was only a matter of time.
I'm tired of keeping to myself. This was a bad day that was waiting to happen. I feel anxious, tensed and paranoid.

The day already started with a bad dream of me as a witch who was being hunted down by a murderer.
I had the feeling that maybe he had the right to kill me, after all I'm a witch.
Then I felt fear and remembering that I was capable, I casted a spell on others and they were my puppets, sent to hunt my murderer down.
He couldn't get to me if they got to him first.
The nightmare turned bloody when these 'puppets' - these people - started to kill each other. And then I felt even more scared, asking myself: what have I done?

I realized I wanted to escape from this place - away from this familiar location that appears in my recurring dreams. It didn't help that the place seemed familiar. It didn't matter that it was a place that I've spent 9 years of my life in. 9 years of brainwashing, mental and emotional ebuse. My old school.
I managed to leave the building but then I saw the faces of some people waiting outside, especting their loved ones to show. The ones who were already dead and they didn't know. The ones I made to be my puppets and they didn't know.
I just walked away thinking: what have I done?

Well that's basically how I felt the whole day. How could I just walk away?

I'm glad that my vacation has come to an end now. Not really. But soon.
There were certain things that happened that I -really- didn't like... at the hotel, on my phone, on my credit card, with my passport, and now I have the urge to file a consumer complaint here in Sweden. It's like, wow, just shit waiting to happen. Shit I saw coming. Shit I decided to ignore because I didn't want to appear all paranoid.
It's so confusing. I don't know if I'm fighting for my rights or just asking for a confirmation of my careless mistakes.

I just want to go back, shut the door behind me, drop everything on the floor and climb into bed.
Now I understand one of the reasons why some people, in this situation, decide to just get drunk. At one point you're having a good time, and the tables just turn before you know it. And what do you do? Drown in alcohol because you feel that you can't take it anymore. What do you do when troubles only keep you awake?

And this feeling... this feeling of having to do everything myself.
I either go against it, or I accept it. I'm sure only the latter's worth it.
That's how anything ever gets done.

I think this trip has taught me to be a lot more independent, confident, and most of all it has taught me not to trust just anyone.


  1. I thought you didn't have a phone. All the same, I wonder what the heck happened to you.

    Your dreams are still as strange as ever. It makes me wonder if you have a supernatural connection to the paranormal.

  2. It's technically Michael's and mine (the phone). We save costs that way.
    A lot of shit happened to me and no, I will not remind me about it by recording it down in my blog.

    Well I do sense and see (premonition) things sometimes. I just don't know what to do about them.