18 January 2012

Things that do me good

Plans get flushed down the toilet sometimes on days like Sundays.
Mine anyway.
I listened to Marit's new album last night, Spark, (which I got Michael for his birthday) and then immediately switched to the Evanescence album when I was done. Relief. With my sketchbook in my hand the whole time, I managed to draft out two new paintings.

I wanted to clean the house today, do the ironing, revise for next week's tests.
But I'm not that disciplined.
Plus, I didn't need the stress.

I think it doesn't have to be a bad thing when things don't go according to plan. In my opinion, I sometimes have not the slightest idea what I'm trying to achieve by 'planning' all the time. And when I achieve, then what? More planning? Sure, I feel a little disappointed when none of the plans I visualized were executed. But the reality is that it's less stressful to just do things...

Things that do me good.

Ever since... life in Germany, I've changed. I left behind a lot of things that used to be everything that I'm used to. Some things I left behind for good, but most of them... most of them I still want. And lately I'm slowly going back and taking them back up again:

Keeping a diary.
I stopped for awhile... after falling in love. But I'm writing again because there was a reason why I did that ever since I was 11. Because it's my therapy.

Wearing black.
I didn't stop wearing black but for a time I tried so hard to avoid black. Why? Because I cared more about what other people think. Well, I miss wearing black. Does anyone know how that makes me feel?
It's my favourite colour. Always has been.
I just LIKE it, is that so hard to accept?

So I went ahead and wore black last week at work (felt so good) and the kids asked me: "Ira, why are you all in black today?"
I said, "Black is my most favourite colour in the whole wide world! I love it."
And they said no more. No judgement they need to desperately express to boost their non-existent egos. Nothing.
(One thing I just love about being around kids.)

(Wrong) Eating Habits
How do I begin to explain how this obviously affected me. How I eat changed a lot of things. It's so hard to get healthy food here, like fresh leafy greens or a wide range of fruits and fish. Why my body went through such an immune system dysfunction (Vasculitis) was partly because of this. Am I not supposed to listen to it and realize that something isn't right?
Before blaming the lack of choices in the market, I decided to reset everything. Time to go on the hunt for healthy eating and plenty of water.

Video Games
The only game I used to play was The Sims series.  And I'm still playing The Sims 3. After I got to know Michael, and seeing his insane video games collection, it brought back memories to the time when I was a 7-year-old who sat in front of her uncle's Megadrive game console for hours hitting furiously on the controller while blankly staring at the TV screen.

But then I stopped. My parents always used to say, "...video games are a waste of time and they make you stupid." (Not necessarily true by the way.)
Well, since Germany I keep getting the urge to play. To wind down a little. Or so I thought.
Even though it's enjoyable, I admit that I often feel guilty afterwards. And I mean, it's not good for me and I should know better.
It's not a bad thing... it was a phase... and never really my thing.

Killing the Bookworm
Libraries used to be my rendezvous. I went. Every week. More often if I could. But I don't do this anymore. Why? Because suddenly nothing's in English anymore. Because libraries are rare in smaller towns like Goslar. Because the best books are only to be bought and I can't spend that much money every week.

I felt like I lost myself entirely. Reading saved my ass. Because of it I love languages and learn them quickly. And it was always my means of solitude. To get away from my world into another. To learn of new experiences. To come across intriguing information.
Lately I've been catching up on my reading again. How I forgot what a wonderful feeling it is!
I just want to catch up with it again.

Growing up
This is a little tricky. Sometimes I give in too much to my emotions... display the wrong reactions, forget that as we grow older, we grow wiser. Forget that there's always something to learn from each an every experience I've been through.
Ever since Germany I've also had problems with jealousy. Something I have to correct myself. A dysfunction (disfunction?) in me.
But I know that it isn't too much to ask to be a little mature about life situations. I was never a jealous person so why now? I don't get it but I really am tired of it.
I'm not a little girl anymore. I know better.
It's not worth me. It's not worth anything.
No one is worth being jealous about and no one is worth being the reason you get jealous.
Not a soul.

The funny thing is adapting to how everything's different here. But I didn't have to, not if I have to leave behind things I used to love. I'm taking it all back.

Currently listening to Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up"... I forgot how powerful his vocals were (are!). This gave me goosebumps... yet this is calming.


  1. It's okay to be jealous every now and then. It's a normal thing.

    Technically, black is not a colour, it's the absence of colour :P

    Video games are cool. I gave up video games at the arcade for a while, but I still go back to it sometimes when I have time, and it feels good. Nothing wrong being a kid once in a while.

    By the way, what's your opinion on Spark? Did Michael like it?

  2. yeah, you changed. You no longer go online. muwhahaha

  3. @Aaron: About Spark, I'm still trying to figure it out. Haha.

    @Yelly: Yes! You remembered one more point I forgot. Wee...

  4. I don't know who you are anymore

  5. @yelly: tsk... let me refresh your memory by poking you to death the next time we meet... muuaha