05 November 2011

Solitude


Two whole weeks of solitude were both inspirational and unusual. When Michael was away for the time, I felt insecure and alone, but at the same time relieved, excited, and most of all independent. I couldn't count the times I talked to myself, or thought to myself that no matter what I am able to pull through. And I did.

I did my internship and I went to school and I did my daily routines, as I watched the season change.



I took myself into consideration, wrote out plans in my journal, dreamed about the future, tried to forget the painful past, and immersed myself a lot in books and art. For a time I longed for someone to talk to. When I crawled into bed I reached for the phone and called Michael just to hear his voice. Just to say goodnight ("I wish you were here").

It reminded me of what it was like to fly back to Singapore and not see him for months in a row. It was memory I don't like to go back to. But it came back but good that it wasn't too much to take. It was like back then when I had no idea when I'd see him again.

And I was expecting my new internet stick each time I come home after a long day - a delivery that never came. So I couldn't use the internet at all, but what the hell, right? (Tom, I didn't lie, I was 'reingelegt', you know? Go use Google Translator). It did came, however, just late.

What did come on time though, are my annual contact lenses. I might just blog about them once I have them on.

I'm counting down the days until it snows again. By the looks of it, it might not snow at all until late November or December. It's been warm enough here lately, at this time of the year, that the insects, wasps, ladybirds, and things still fly around outside. In the news they say: it's a record.
The Summer was so disappointing, they say. And now the Autumn's golden. With 15°C to 20°C max and tons of sunshine. This time last year, temperatures never went past 10°C.
I have a feeling that winter's going to be harsh. I'm already prepared to deal with delayed busrides, or no busrides at all.
We'll see.

Cooking for myself was nice... but also a little weird... considering the fact that nice things are meant to be shared. I thought about giving my neighbour a little bit to try, but I was too nervous and this is not Singapore or Malaysia where neighbours sometimes exchange dishes out of courtesy. Even in the case that I don't see someone on their birthday, it's forbidden to wish him or her 'Happy Birthday in advance' in this part of the world because it brings bad luck. Little details like that add to the fact that, wow, I'm such an alien...
So I also learned that 'being nice' or 'meaning something well' has different ways here.

Anyway...

The two weeks were too long, I thought. I had a dramatic decrease of laughter, even though it felt good to sing, dance, or flip out like nobody's watching... overall I thought that it was an interesting experience. Just to be alone for awhile. To have time for myself. To be forced into the present moment again before coming back.

Michael came back last weekend and the first thing we did was hug for a long time. And it occured to me.... the sight, the warmth, the smell, the energy in someone that we love so much, which we all take for granted.
His hands on my skin.
Everything that makes me weak.

He had told me of a dream he had in which I died from a bad flu... he told me that he terribly broke down.

I told him that I'm still here.
Very much alive. :)

2 comments:

  1. The world tends to be noisy a lot, so being alone is a good thing sometimes. I wish I had that luxury whenever I needed it.

    The weather is getting crazy. You may have heard Bangkok being flooded badly, and it keeps raining here in KL. Maybe the extreme change to the planet's condition that we keep hearing about is finally happening.

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  2. Beautiful post Ira. I couldn't stop reading ^^

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