02 October 2011

Things I write in my journal

I could find myself lying in bed one day writing out my troubles in a journal. Can't decide whether I should write it in german or english. When I have to even think about reaching out for my journal, I know something's not right.

"Relationships are hard. If only I knew earlier..."
Growing up just as naive as I could be, it was trouble waiting to happen. I look back at when I was 15, and realize that hey, maybe this whole thing about M2M only brought me a hell of a confusion. But being 15 makes me want to look back to when I was 11... when my dad died.
I could have told him that he shouldn't die, but that decision wasn't mine to make.

"How do you make something right again? How do you start over?"
At times when I experience moments that pull me straight down, I ask myself if I could please just go through these moments again, so that I may say the right words and do the right things. So that I don't hurts myself or others.

"I don't want to be here."
But then again, no matter where I go, I always wouldn't want to be 'here'.

"Invisible. Suppressed. Slowly giving up."
How I sometimes feel, when I am made to be skeptic about my dreams - things that I can imagine doing someday. Dreams that motivate me. Dreams that pull me out of bed every morning in the first place. But sometimes I hear discouragement. And this feeling of being so left alone, unsupported, and maybe a little stupid.
But those aren't true. And I know.

"Sacrified myself for nothing."
Do you know that feeling? Giving someone your best but you're actually expecting something in return? I hate this thing. I don't like 'giving someone my all' and when they show zero appreciation I flip out. I also want to be able to leave, go to another city, go back to my home country, or something like that, and stay away or days and days. Or do my own thing. And stop giving it my all.
Because what's the point.

"So typical."
The typical things that pisses me off. Like, why did I fall in love? Why bother when being a woman means nothing when reality demands that you have to be this way or that, or have this thing or that to be the most perfect woman, the most wanted woman, the most looked-at woman (like, on the internet, or anyone on the streets). It's disgusting.
For a moment I really do want to be on my own. Alone. Single. Without any pressure to change or try to be something I'm not just to please someone else. Because if I were to ask of the same things, I'm pretty sure I won't get shit.

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