Fantasies

Each time before I go to bed, I take a long time to fall asleep. I'd lie there, maybe an hour or so, fantasising about holding my next art show - what I would say, what my viewers would say, who I would want to see at the exhibition, what I would like to wear, how I would like to feel...

Sometimes I fantasise about my own house, one that I can design and furnish on my own. I think about the colours I would use: snow white. White walls, light wooden floorboards, crimson velvet drapes and curtains, indoor plants that give out their deepest green, soft carpets, a proper dining table, and somewhere in a cosy and quiet corner: my working space.

And when my thoughts further stray, I start having sexual fantasies. I admit that they were much more intensive when I was a teenager. For some reason I fantasise a little differently now, they're more like bringing up memories rather than fantasising. They rather want to be on the safe side. But I would love to go back to 'back then' when I used to just give myself away to a male figure (or two) in my mind, who I never knew and never will know, which is fine - and feel good because in my head, they worship me.

I'm wearing the floral tube dress I sew right before I came to Germany last year.
I made it extra thick so that my legs stay warm and I could pull a cardigan over my bare shoulders.

I felt so weak throughout the entire weekend that I couldn't paint. It was probably the air from the heaters - have to start using them now that the temperatures are going down low and the cold's seeping through our paperthin walls. I feel a little disappointed. Also with the flu that doesn't seem to want to go away. I hope it gets better soon.

Time to get ready for bed. Will be up and out as early as 6am tomorrow.
Then maybe I'll write again.
Good night.