23 August 2011

Best times alone

Something tells me that I will be up the whole night tonight.
There's a storm overhead, and the air smells like... fresh water.

For the past 2 days I've been alone, and will be for the next one and a half weeks. Having breakfast, lunch, and dinner alone. Watching TV, cuddled up on the couch alone, as I draft out more paintings in my sketchbook. Listening to the rain.

When I do go to bed, I will be there alone, in between the sheets, warm and eventually sweating, falling asleep and maybe dreaming about intense sex soon after. Then waking up feeling reborn.

My living room lights are flickering and I hope it's just the bulbs and not the fact that the storm's cutting off the electricity.

What certainly surprised me about how this week's coming along is that life's been nicer to me, somehow. I was taking a walk outside this afternoon and I just happened to say Thank You... to a greater power. Alive in all things. Energy.

Will be spending an afternoon with some friends tomorrow, probably gonna talk over lunch in a café. Haven't seen each other for months now. Hoping that the weather stays less brutal. It's been awhile since I did that... just having lunch or dinner somewhere with people I hardly know who I call friends because I don't know what else to call them. But they're nice people, who are also new in Germany and have little to no contact with whoever they can relate to. So we sort of stay in touch just to know that we're not really alone.

I got back a math test today and I got an 'A' for it.
The most beautiful letter I've ever seen. My teacher said, "Ira, I don't know what you did" as he was handing the paper to me. And I was like, "Why??!" already expecting an F or something. I could even feel that it was an F. But it was far from it.
And let me tell you one solid truth: it's my first goddamn 'A' in Math in my entire 24 years of life.

Now, if you were me, and all your life you've only been picked on in Math class by your own teacher for being slow, confused, careless, and for getting D's and F's all the time, would you, in any way possible, believe the 'A' that suddenly says hi out of nowhere?

I couldn't believe it. I could tell myself the same thing: I don't know what I did.
But I do know that I was beyond ecstatic. It was PURE motivation and I had actually proved myself that I could do it. And I did. :)

In another test that I had for German, I had to write an essay, and even that worked for me somehow. I wrote an entire essay within the time-frame limit, got all the points down, wrote like the wind, and I felt adrenalin and could hardly believe that I am writing this much in a language I couldn't even speak in a year ago. I handed the paper in and it was another one of those moments when I told myself: I did it again. I gave it my best.

Tomorrow, I'll be getting back my Biology test... and I don't know. I gave my best in that one too, so we'll see. I don't have any expectations. What will be, will be.

And then I had this wonderful dream of my own solo show, with people all around coming to see my artworks. I was so excited. I was there and I saw these paintings, by me, which I have never painted before. Upon waking up, up to now, I've been sketching them all, as many of them as I could remember, onto my sketchbook and these pictures will come into the real world through me. I swore I'd make that happen.

Which is why I might just stay up all night tonight....
I'm loving this.

Leaving you with my lullaby tonight: "I'm Good, I'm Gone"



Steppin', stormin'
I'm all gone
Give me a tone and I'm all gone
Yeah, I'm walkin' by the line
I hear that in my mind

I'm workin' a sweat
But it's all good
I'm breakin' my back
But it's all good
'cause I know I'll get it back
Yeah, I know your hands will clap

Yeah, I'm workin'
Yeah, I'm workin'
To make butter for my piece of bun

And if you say I'm not OK
Then that's the goal
If you say there ain't no way that I could know
If you say I aim too high from down below
Well, say it know 'cause when I'm gone...
You'll be callin' but I won't be at the phone

And you're hanging around 'til it's all done
You can't keep me back once I've had some
Wasting time to get it right
And you will see what I'm about

Yeah, I'm workin' a sweat
But it's all good
I'm breakin' my back
But it's all good
'cause I know I'll get it back
Yeah, I know your hands will clap

And if you say I'm not OK
Then that's the goal
If you say there ain't no way that I could know
If you say I aim too high from down below
Well, say it know 'cause when I'm gone...
You'll be callin' but I won't be at the phone

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