26 July 2011

What fairytales should have been like

This is what young girls should know and learn from:

Snow White:
She rode away with the prince in hopes that life will now and forever be perfect... and then -
There she stands with children, a dog, and what does the Prince do?
Sit in front of the TV for the whole day, of course.
She regretted leaving the Seven Dwarves behind.

Oh poor girl. After the Prince married her he decided that he shouldn't have because her two evil step-sisters were of course exactly the kind of 'bad girls' that guys just can't resist.
So he left Cinderella for her two evil step-sisters because two bad girls is better than one good girl.
So Cinderella became a depressed, low-self-esteemed alcoholic.

Little Red Riding Hood:
She thought: "Why am I always the one who has to go bring Grandma food?
Why won't she live nearby so I don't have to put my own life and hers in danger?
If I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, why would mum send me to go through the forest all on my own?
Oh, to hell with this, I'm going to McDonald's and getting my Happy Meal."

Belle (Beauty and the Beast):
She was so in love with the Beast that she would do anything - ANYTHING - for him. Now that the Beast has been freed from his ugly curse and has officially earned the title of World's Hottest Hunk, he became vain and bitter and more popular among other better looking girls.

He made Belle feel threatened that she was pressured into the world of cosmetic surgery.
So Belle goes under the knife - smaller nose, bigger boobs, botox, etc, just to satisfy his beastly desires.

Sleeping Beauty:
Sleeping Beauty was already dead but no one would believe it.
The Prince grew old. The King and Queen grew old (and died). The entire village grew old. And Briar Rose never woke up.
And the Prince, unwilling to give up, tries again and again to give her that True Love's Kiss.
Maybe there's just way too much evil in this world for the Prince to slay in order to break the spell.

The Little Mermaid:
She followed her heart and what did she get? Sushied and sashimied.

Jasmine (Aladdin):
This is what happens when you fuck a (girl-) stranger in the ass.

And they lived happily ever after.


  1. HAHA! Omg, so hilarious. Enjoyed this post so much.

  2. Sooner or later we all must know the truth. :D