29 July 2011

12 things to do when your boyfriend/husband ignores you

Here are some of my tips on how you can deal with this very common issue, which doesn't always have to be bad.

  • 1. Communicate

  • Find out why he is ignoring you.
    Did you just have an argument or is he just 'distracted'?

  • Tell him
    Tell him how you feel and tell him what you think. Speak calmly.

  • Say what you want
    Say what you're not happy about and what it is that you want.
    Use "I" instead of "you"... and avoid words like "always" and "never" for example:

    Say: "I feel ignored right now and what I actually want is to spend this afternoon with you / to talk to you so we can solve this problem together."

    Don't say: "What's wrong with you?!" or "You only sit there on your computer and always ignore me."

  • Clear up misunderstandings
    If you are not sure about his behaviour then ask him if he is really ignoring you or if he is mad at you.
    My guy once told me that he didn't mean to ignore me, but if I hadn't asked, I wouldn've have known for sure.

  • Don't wait too long
    Keeping things bottled up is just going to make anyone explode someday and that makes things a lot worse.

  • Make the first step
    Be the first to confront him. If he doesn't want to talk or respond, encourage him. Try again at a better time.
    What you should know is: If communicating doesn't work, then the relationship itself is simply not going to work. And he should know this too.

So let's say you weren't in an argument and yet he's ignoring you.

Or better yet: when he specifically says that he would rather spend more time on the computer or with others more than you, then I suggest doing some of these things instead, while you think about how you're going to move on from here.

Bring yourself out of the worry. Worrying is not going to help.
This is your time to heal.

  • 2. Calm down.

    Straighten up, close your eyes, take a deep breath and be with your inner peace.
    It is there when you are still.

    What I used to believe was "Someday someone will make me happy".
    But then I realized that it was the wrong attitude.
    If I expect others to 'make me happy' then I am forcing myself to depend on others and putting my own worth in others.
    But why should I? That would be the absolute insanity.
    I want to be happy because of me and for no reason at all.

    Avoid alcohol, smoking and drugs. These substances poison you from the inside out.

    There are things we cannot change, especially other people. But if you don't lose or ignore yourself, then you've already won.

  • 3. Go out

    Go out.
    Take a walk, drive the car, cycle, listen to music while you're at it.
    Be in that moment when you can take in everything that you see.
    The trees, birds, sky, the weather.
    Listen to the sounds you hear. Don't think or interpret.
    Just watch.
    Be alive and thankful.

  • 4. Doll up and take pictures of yourself

    Adore yourself. Love the body you are in. Put some make up on, do your hair, wear the sexiest thing you own. Take pictures of yourself. Be creative and gentle to yourself.

  • 5. Spend time around positive or inspiring people

    Vibes are contagious. Positive and inspiring people are nice to be around sometimes. They may be your friends. Spending time around them means positive vibes. Like fresh air.

  • 6. Spend time with family

    If they live in the area, come by and say hi. Help out around the house if you like.
    Or just spend time with them as you would with your friends. Then have a good time.

  • 7. Finish a book

    Look up authors similar to your favourites, or read something that's entirely new to you. These days you won't have to buy a book if you don't want to, just borrow some at the library. You could even spend hours there if you like, all in your own time.

    Some of my favourites are Anne Rice (fantasy, erotica), John Ajvide Lindqvist (thriller), and Eckhart Tolle (spiritual).

  • 8. Create your own creative or relaxing space

    If your house or apartment is large enough and you have an extra room, why not make it into your own space to relax in? An attic, a garage, the old storeroom, the empty guestroom, etc.

    It could be your own reading space, computer room, library, yoga room, tv/video room, or in my case: my own working space where I can make art.

  • 9. Take advantage of the internet and blog

    It is amazing what you can learn on the internet. The web has no limit.

    If you have a blog or start one, you could share your interesting online finds.
    Write about everything that inspires you.
    Help others by contributing your knowledge, advice and experiences.
    Or if you have something to sell, why not do it online?

    Your blog - your words, your work and your ideas.

  • 10. Write

    Edition #10, Illustration, I.R.

    Feel free to express yourself... let those words come out on paper. You can be as negative or as optimistic as you like.

    I write down my problems, my plans, my concerns and my ideas. And I think about how I can help myself out of... whatever the problem is.
    It's like therapy sometimes.

  • 11. Pamper and groom yourself

    Trim your eyebrows, shave (or not, whatever you like, I hope you do, hah), go get a facial or a massage, take a bubble bath, use perfume, moisturize your skin.

    Women have different ways of pampering themselves so go ahead with what you like.
    Embrace your feminity and your style. It's like being your own doll sometimes.

  • 12. Decide

    I hope you work it out with your boyfriend or husband and find a way to communicate and compromise.

    Most of the time it might have just been the wrong conclusions or a misunderstanding.
    But that's for you to find out.

    Don't suffer the things you clearly don't want to, so taking care of yourself and your sanity is definitely your right and your priority.



"Being ignored" was one of the most profound things I noticed as the girlfriend in a relationship that, after awhile, started to become mundane, boring, or routine.

There are plenty of reasons why this problem came about and some of them are:
  • ...maybe we had too many expectations
  • ...maybe we had the wrong expectations
  • ...maybe we just don't know how to say what we want and ask for it
But it's not too late to confront the situation and turn it around.

So what is a good and healthy relationship?
A good and healthy relationship is based on communication, love, respect, trust, cooperation and problem-solving skills.

What is the truth about relationships?
A relationship is not a fairytale (damn some of them, really) and there is no prince charming that will sweep you off your feet. 
You have to work on it as much as he does.



You could also view the video which I had recently made about the topic:


Recommended for you:

What does it really mean when a guy "ignores" you? Read more.
Find out the truth of the situation from a guy's point of view.