29 July 2011

12 things to do when your boyfriend/husband ignores you




Here are some of my tips on how you can deal with this very common issue, which doesn't always have to be bad.


  • 1. Communicate


     
  • Find out why he is ignoring you.
    Did you just have an argument or is he just 'distracted'?



  • Tell him
    Tell him how you feel and tell him what you think. Speak calmly.


  • Say what you want
    Say what you're not happy about and what it is that you want.
    Use "I" instead of "you"... and avoid words like "always" and "never" for example:

    Say: "I feel ignored right now and what I actually want is to spend this afternoon with you / to talk to you so we can solve this problem together."

    Don't say: "What's wrong with you?!" or "You only sit there on your computer and always ignore me."


  • Clear up misunderstandings
    If you are not sure about his behaviour then ask him if he is really ignoring you or if he is mad at you.
    My guy once told me that he didn't mean to ignore me, but if I hadn't asked, I wouldn've have known for sure.


  • Don't wait too long
    Keeping things bottled up is just going to make anyone explode someday and that makes things a lot worse.


  • Make the first step
    Be the first to confront him. If he doesn't want to talk or respond, encourage him. Try again at a better time.
    What you should know is: If communicating doesn't work, then the relationship itself is simply not going to work. And he should know this too.




So let's say you weren't in an argument and yet he's ignoring you.

Or better yet: when he specifically says that he would rather spend more time on the computer or with others more than you, then I suggest doing some of these things instead, while you think about how you're going to move on from here.

Bring yourself out of the worry. Worrying is not going to help.
This is your time to heal.





  • 2. Calm down.


    Straighten up, close your eyes, take a deep breath and be with your inner peace.
    It is there when you are still.

    What I used to believe was "Someday someone will make me happy".
    But then I realized that it was the wrong attitude.
    If I expect others to 'make me happy' then I am forcing myself to depend on others and putting my own worth in others.
    But why should I? That would be the absolute insanity.
    I want to be happy because of me and for no reason at all.

    Avoid alcohol, smoking and drugs. These substances poison you from the inside out.

    There are things we cannot change, especially other people. But if you don't lose or ignore yourself, then you've already won.





  • 3. Go out


    Go out.
    Take a walk, drive the car, cycle, listen to music while you're at it.
    Be in that moment when you can take in everything that you see.
    The trees, birds, sky, the weather.
    Listen to the sounds you hear. Don't think or interpret.
    Just watch.
    Be alive and thankful.





  • 4. Doll up and take pictures of yourself



    Adore yourself. Love the body you are in. Put some make up on, do your hair, wear the sexiest thing you own. Take pictures of yourself. Be creative and gentle to yourself.





  • 5. Spend time around positive or inspiring people


    Vibes are contagious. Positive and inspiring people are nice to be around sometimes. They may be your friends. Spending time around them means positive vibes. Like fresh air.





  • 6. Spend time with family



    If they live in the area, come by and say hi. Help out around the house if you like.
    Or just spend time with them as you would with your friends. Then have a good time.






  • 7. Finish a book



    Look up authors similar to your favourites, or read something that's entirely new to you. These days you won't have to buy a book if you don't want to, just borrow some at the library. You could even spend hours there if you like, all in your own time.

    Some of my favourites are Anne Rice (fantasy, erotica), John Ajvide Lindqvist (thriller), and Eckhart Tolle (spiritual).






  • 8. Create your own creative or relaxing space


    If your house or apartment is large enough and you have an extra room, why not make it into your own space to relax in? An attic, a garage, the old storeroom, the empty guestroom, etc.

    It could be your own reading space, computer room, library, yoga room, tv/video room, or in my case: my own working space where I can make art.







  • 9. Take advantage of the internet and blog


    It is amazing what you can learn on the internet. The web has no limit.

    If you have a blog or start one, you could share your interesting online finds.
    Write about everything that inspires you.
    Help others by contributing your knowledge, advice and experiences.
    Or if you have something to sell, why not do it online?

    Your blog - your words, your work and your ideas.







  • 10. Write

    Edition #10, Illustration, I.R.

    Feel free to express yourself... let those words come out on paper. You can be as negative or as optimistic as you like.

    I write down my problems, my plans, my concerns and my ideas. And I think about how I can help myself out of... whatever the problem is.
    It's like therapy sometimes.







  • 11. Pamper and groom yourself


    Trim your eyebrows, shave (or not, whatever you like, I hope you do, hah), go get a facial or a massage, take a bubble bath, use perfume, moisturize your skin.

    Women have different ways of pampering themselves so go ahead with what you like.
    Embrace your feminity and your style. It's like being your own doll sometimes.






  • 12. Decide

    I hope you work it out with your boyfriend or husband and find a way to communicate and compromise.

    Most of the time it might have just been the wrong conclusions or a misunderstanding.
    But that's for you to find out.

    Don't suffer the things you clearly don't want to, so taking care of yourself and your sanity is definitely your right and your priority.




*************


Conclusion:

"Being ignored" was one of the most profound things I noticed as the girlfriend in a relationship that, after awhile, started to become mundane, boring, or routine.

There are plenty of reasons why this problem came about and some of them are:
  • ...maybe we had too many expectations
  • ...maybe we had the wrong expectations
  • ...maybe we just don't know how to say what we want and ask for it
But it's not too late to confront the situation and turn it around.

So what is a good and healthy relationship?
A good and healthy relationship is based on communication, love, respect, trust, cooperation and problem-solving skills.

What is the truth about relationships?
A relationship is not a fairytale (damn some of them, really) and there is no prince charming that will sweep you off your feet. 
You have to work on it as much as he does.




*************


Video:


You could also view the video which I had recently made about the topic:





*************




Recommended for you:

What does it really mean when a guy "ignores" you? Read more.
Find out the truth of the situation from a guy's point of view.





   

79 comments:

  1. Good God, that is a long ass entry. You made many valid points, but mostly from a woman's point of view, for women. So it doesn't quite apply to someone like me.

    By the way, do they have cinemas where you live, Ira? Do you go there? I'd like to know if you've seen any good stuff recently. You watched Let Me In yet?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Did you actually write that?

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Aaron: This post isn't for guys. It's a long-ass note to my (women) readers.
    I didn't watch Let Me In yet, but I watched Lât den rätte komma in. Twice.
    The cinema's not nearby so I seldom go. Shall I write reviews too?

    @Tom: Yes.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Are you able to find Let Me In there? If not, I'll send you a copy.

    Yes you should write reviews, if you'd like to. On contrary, if you need an opinion on any film, you can ask me.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Aaron: Yep. Should be able to find it here.
    So, reviews would be a not-so-bad idea after all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm having this problem right now. and thanks for your suggestions! I think they all are correct. I should spend more time for myself, pamper, wear make up (because he doesn't like it if I wear make up for other guys to look at me)
    I also have few books that I haven't finished reading yet. So I will do that too.
    and I'm gonna need the biggest Starbucks ever!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi! I'm glad this helped you. Knock yourself out. After all, you have to take care of yourself too, the universe can never evolve around one person. Be there for yourself and enjoy your time. When you give out positive vibes, everyone's gonna wanna be with you! (oh, I need a Starbucks too... :P)

      Delete
    2. I've been in relationship for a while, now shes gaining weight and i'm less interested. Theres a dif between love and attraction, acting like appearance isnt important is naive. It's his job to tell you that you look nice, not read a bmi chart for you. btw, if you're wondering if he thinks you're fat you are asking the wrong question. If your bmi is > 30 then yes... You are fat

      Delete
    3. Maybe shes gaining because you aren't worth it

      Delete
  7. Hi Ira! cool blog! I'm having some troubles with my boyfriend because he recently went in the hospital and I was extremely worried about him and texted and called him. He never replied and apparently he was okay and then went to a dance that night. I am really frustrated and I am so unsure what to say to him..so i don't sound like a complete bitch but I want to sound mature and reasonable. Any advice? Thanks

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi,dear anonymous i do not want to hurt your feelings but i think he does not care for you as much you care for him.

      Delete
  8. i have read your article.i really want to appreciate you from my heart and soul because you have shared very particle,valueable and sensible things. It is TRUE that life is not a bed of roses,we have to work hard on our life...BE PARTICLE NO PRINCE CHARMING IS WAITING FOR YOU.PLEASE....!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to have been able to help :D
      Life is also very beautiful when we remember to breathe, relax and be what we are: alive.
      Don't put your worth in others.

      Delete
  9. this is a really good article. thank you. I don't know if u wrote it ur own or not, but still i take this as advice. thank you again. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you kidding? :P It's my blog.
      Of course I wrote it, hun.
      And you're welcome. Thanks also for reading!

      Delete
  10. My boyfriend always does this to me. He will text my fifth cousin about getting drunk and stupid stuff like that all I asked him is if he wants to be with me and he hasn't talked to me in two day and I am supposed to go over there tomorrow and decorate his room with Christmas lights and like we hardly fight but he got drunk the other day while I was in the hospital and my cousin and her friends called him I guess and he started flirting with her friends. I'm deeply in love with this guy and I don't know what to do I want to just cry I call his work to talk to him and they say he don't want to talk or he's to busy to talk. I call his phone and he just ignore my calls I can't go over to his house unless I have his roommates okay so I am just in a messed up situation. I don't know what to do there was a time I asked to come over his roommates said yes but he had said no.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure he doesn't 'always' do this to you, it might just seem like it. Have a good talk with him to find out more, to let him know that you are hurt and to say why you are hurt and what you really want.

      If all should fail, I also wrote that you have the right to make a decision.
      Decide for yourself if this is the kind of treatment you would put up with. Have courage and trust yourself to make up your mind.

      Delete
    2. Me n my boyfrnd are just got into relationship ..a week ago..b4 dat he was mad for me..but he has started ignoring me when he came to know dat i love him a lot....wat to do?

      Delete
  11. those are really wonderful ideas. unfortunately they aren't really possible for me in this season of life. I am 32 and married with a toddler. So no time for self while husband is busy distracting himself from us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment.
      It makes me sad to hear this but I don't feel sorry for you, instead I'd say that you are capable of more than you think.
      Do talk to your husband and avoid bottling things up inside (you will eventually explode!)

      Even if my ideas don't seem to apply to you, they are meant to inspire you into coming up with your own solutions (e.g. appoint someone you trust to babysit for the evening or for the day, while you work this out with your husband or take time to heal)

      I always think: "When I have no time, I will make time." And if you really want something, go get it and don't let anyone tell you you can't (not even you).
      I know it's hard, but I'd remind myself that life could be a lot worse.

      You can do this!

      Delete
  12. very good read. I always hear that the only time that you can be in a good relationship when you learn to love yourself...easier said than done as ive been in many failed relationships..im still a work in progress but i know that once i learn this i will not settle for any person that would not treat me well. Or if i know that if the ignoring part can still be fixed that the smallest things would make me paranoid if i love myself. Its like being worry free, if he ignores you probably he is just being a man that would like to be distracted sometimes (computer and video games and stuff) and not think that the problem is with you that you are not good enough, if the ignoring part is because he is jerk then you can just move on because you are more important than him...mind over matter..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's what I'm talking about :)
      Thanks for reading...

      Delete
  13. Hi Ira. My boyfriend went out today at about 12 and his phone hasn't been on ever since. I have the impression that he is ignoring me because he has been offish the whole day. Everytime he goes out with his friends he switches his phone off but he claims that his battery is dying. Please help me on what I can say when he decides to switch his phone on? Thank you xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The best way to communicate, in my opinion, is face to face with your boyfriend, alone. So let him know that you'd like to have a calm one-on-one talk with him.
      Speak calmly, confidently without throwing any accusations. The goal is to let him know how you feel and to ASK him how he feels and what he thinks... if everything's okay... etc.

      Take into consideration the number of times you call him. Had it been a problem? Or why does he turn off his phone? Is there something you both don't trust each other with? Is anyone of you holding a grudge? And so on and so forth...
      All of these are questions you should ask yourself and him.
      That's the only way you will find out what's going on.

      And when you do, the both of you could either come to a solution or find a way to compromise.
      Give it a try. Communicate without raising any voices and see what happens.

      Delete
  14. Your blog has very good points. I am a mother of 3 children. Married for more than a decade. My husband answers me whenever he feels like. I can ask him a question and he totally ignores me. If I insist on the answer, he will answer with angry saracasm. He also wants kinki sex that I will not give. I am tired of it.

    Don't know if I should move on since I have 3 kids and no job. Any suggestions? By the way, I lost myself along the way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes we have to lose ourselves before we realize who we really are.
      Most of us think that when we get married and have kids, everything will stay just as magical as it was in the beginning. But that's not always true (it's no fairytale!).

      Sometimes it's hard for me to communicate with my partner when I'm angry, so I'd write everything out, gather my thoughts, take a moment to breathe (point #1: calm down), and then just go approach him, make eye contact and talk to him.

      So calm down, first and foremost. Do something you wanna do that has nothing to do with him or the children. Be somewhere you'd rather be, if that makes you happy now.

      And once you're good to yourself, go talk to him... find a way. Be gentle, make eye contact, don't insist... persist (meaning: encourage him, not annoy him). Use some sillyness or humor if you like.
      Arrange a time, a place if he's always busy and distracted. Get someone you trust to take care of the kids for the evening if you have to.
      Then you should both express your thoughts to each other, coz he deserves to have a say too. That's what communicating's about.
      Ask him what's bothering him and tell him what's bothering you.

      Moving on is a huge, huge step and it should only be well considered when you've done everything on your part and nothing works. But you're a woman so you can handle it when you put your mind to it. :)

      You have the highest priority so do take care of yourself first, before you make the next big decision.

      Delete
  15. My husband is very moody, and can go for days ignoring me. I am joining a gym this week, and keeping busy with our son. I am learning to love myself, and hopefully he will realize how lucky he is to have me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The gym sounds like a great idea.. I've been considering to take up yoga too coz I love it when I can relax and not think about the pain life situations can cause.
      I say, go for it and enjoy it. Make time for yourself, the world doesn't revolve around someone else (it's just a false unconscious assumption).

      You're the one who takes care of the household and the family, you're the one who makes sure everything's running - that he has fresh new clothes everyday, food, a sense of security, you name it. What would he do without you? :)

      Now you have all the time to heal. I'm sure he'll realize how lucky he is.

      Delete
  16. Hi I'm havivg a problem with my boyfriend were just not talking wen we do he shouts and says to me he doesn't wanna hear it I have found out wen we split up he slept with Another woman

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hay ira im having problems with my boyfriend you been toqethr fo a yr n 8mnths . Like he.ignores me way to much . I mean everyone make mistakes and i know that by tlking to alot of quys was wrong but what kan i.say i.didnt hide.anithing but told yes i.did stand for my self. He.treats me bad now his nt lovable or.sweet tlker he says that the only thing that would get us get him to have everything lovable is.to have sex what.should i.do

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hi Ira,
    My boyfriends never pick-up his phone when I call him, but he woud reply back when I text him. He takes hours to text me back. It may be because he busy, which why he doesn't reply back to my text right away, but what kind of relationship only relies on text. I love him. He been ignoring me lately. I have a feeling he's ignoring me bc I'm causing him too much stress for wanting to talk about our problems. Any advice? :/ Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Always calm down first...
      If I were you I'd just stop texting or calling. Not to hurt him, but to heal yourself. Like I said, if communication doesn't work the first time, then breathe, relax, get away from it all for awhile.

      When you're alright again, reach him in person instead of over the phone.

      You said you have a feeling he's ignoring you. So ask him if he really is and tell him that he can be honest with you. Ask him what he thinks and how he feels. It's not about arguing, it's about finding solutions together as a team.

      Most of all, don't be afraid to decide what's best for you without hurting others or yourself.

      Delete
  19. I have texted my boyfriend for the past 2 days and he hasnt texted me back but I had my friend text him and he texted him back. I don't know what to do. Help me please

    ReplyDelete
  20. i have a problem, my relation is getting worse day by day.
    we are not communicating actually i think he does,not want to talk because
    wait i'll tell you what actually happened, we were suppose to meet on 14th of feb, we were planning it since a week but then on the exact day our plan missed out badly.
    as he was already kept on changing the plans like we'll meet in morning and will stay together all day,then it changed to we'll meet up at evening have some work to do,and on 14th when i was getting ready,was taking shower he called am on way we'll meet up for sometime etc etc
    i got angry and fighted with him, and our plan dropped.
    since that day we are not talking to each other, i tried to call him back,text him
    he didnt respond and when i told him to reply or say me not to text him he replied ,saying
    dont bother me,am not in state of mind,we'll tell you when i'll be right.
    am too upset,what to do? why is he behaving like this.

    ReplyDelete
  21. what do i do my boyfriend is ignoring me and i cant talk know more i need some advise on wa to do

    ReplyDelete
  22. my bf did the same usually one day he talks n ign0re me f0r 2 days..i knw he is taking to other grls .i t0ld him i dnt like thz behavi0us bt he stick to hz stupid excuse that he was bze alt0ugh i saw him online on fb or whatsapp. I also did the same to hm n he gets mad that may be iam dating s0meone else..i t6ld him u were flirting bt he deny that they are frnds..hw l0ng shuld i take to reply him back! We are in a l0ng distance relati0n

    ReplyDelete
  23. me i was vocal to my partner i always communicate i tell him what i feel, until the time come that i dont want to ask anymore or to communicate or demand an attention from him. because i know in the end our conversation would lead us to argue and fight.

    What i did was I stop worrying If he cant give me attention i need Maybe i would give it to myself.

    How? I watched movies, listen to my fave song, eat delicious food, read a blog and pray to calm myself, pamper my self, yah wearing make up too wear my best clothes. Read magazines too.

    It is true sometimes you need to go with the flow. Sometimes silence can be the best way to communicate. Because in our nature woman are always do the talking. Maybe let him feel that your not okey try to be busy too and when he notice the situation that you have, he was the one who initiate the conversation.

    BTW nice blog >_< im sorry im not good in English ^_^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your english is very good! ;)
      And yes, I agree.
      Sometimes men just don't want to think about anything or do anything. But it doesn't have to mean that we should beat ourselves up because of it.

      Going with the flow is sometimes really necessary too. That way you only focus on the present moment.
      Thanks for reading :)

      Delete
  24. I appreciate everything you've said on this subject. Especially the initial advice to "Calm down".
    Some Men can't express themselves & will resort to projecting their own hostility by ignoring the person who's closest (most convenient) to them.
    Therefore, the most important thing is NOT to allow being ignored to upset you.
    Find a way to stop the worry everytime & eventually the solution will come :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad to have been able to share this with my readers because this has helped me personally too. It is amazing how 'down to earth' we can be when we remain calm.
      And men don't communicate like women... the can't read body language in an instant, they don't allow themselves to be influenced by emotions and they don't read minds (well, who can anyway?). So it's no use for women to go crazy over such things - we just need to think like they do in order to communicate well with them.

      Delete
  25. Wonderful, fantabulous currently I am facing the same behavior. I think these tips will help me.

    ReplyDelete
  26. If whoever not only your bf ignores ,you should ignore as well ,when someone let you feel ignore which means they are only playing with people's feeling and they have no serious things in their head to build a serious relations with people and means they are users and those kind of people will never ever be happy in their love because all the do is using pure feelings of people.remeber ( if you knock my door, sure I will knock your door as well) means whatever you do to someone the same will happen to you,so gon with your own life and things keep busy with all kinds of things as much as you can,meet friends,go out as its mentioned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't like taking revenge. It doesn't help me to ignore a person who ignores me. It matters more to me to make a decision to either accept the situation, change it or leave it.

      Delete
  27. My situation is this. My partners every day routine since we got the internet is - get up, go to work, come back, use computer till he crashes in computer chair. He does speak to me but only for 10 minutes. He gets annoyed if I talk more than he wants to. What do I do? I try to communicate I get "I will spend time with you" but I know its not going to happen while there is such thing as technology. Today he said "I'm only gonna go online for couple of hours then I want a bath and then we'll cuddle" what actually happened was he went online, couple hours later I run him a bath he saidhe didn't want it so another couple of hours later I warmed the bath water up using boiled water and he fell asleep as soon as I'd done it. I'm so upset. Any advice?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds really familiar to me since I've experienced similar things to it.
      There's a reason why some men come home and 'turn off' after work... it's because they *really* need to wind down from a hectic day. My guy is just the same and I give him space to wind down because I know that it's his need.

      We all have needs and from what you said, I recognize that you need to be close to him. And that's fine - the thing is.. he needs to recognise this. Explain this to him... that you both have needs that need to be met.
      He needs to wind down online and you need to spend time with him, so you both need to find a way to give and take and compromise. But at the same time be flexible and realistic about it coz it can't be perfect all the time.

      There needs to be more communication between the two of you. Like when he says "I want a bath" then you should find out if he wants you to prepare him a bath. Coz if he didn't mean it that way and you prepared it anyway then it might lead to another minor missunderstanding (missunderstandings are very cunning).

      But anyway... it's okay to be upset about it, but don't let it take over your conscience. It was just a stupid moment and the best thing the two of you can do about it is to talk it over. Don't accuse each other of anything, emphasize that it's just problem-solving and nothing personal. It takes away the tendency to argue.

      Delete
  28. Am having the same issue too wit my partner, he ignores my phonecalls and wouldn't get back to me till the next day. we are getting married in 4 months and I have been thinking if truly I want to spend the rest of my life begging for his attention. Pls wat can I do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have to know what your needs in the relationship are and be realistic about them.
      Do you always need to call him? If so, why?
      Does he ignore all your calls? If so, why?
      And if you have no answers then calmly speak to him. If he isn't able to recognize this as an important aspect of the relationship (communication & connection) then he should know that no relationship can survive.

      You said you are having doubts about getting married. Tell him this and tell him why. Don't accuse him, just tell him... communication is about being able to solve problems together, not about arguing and winning.

      If you choose to keep quiet and bottle up, you might make the wrong decisions and you know this. So do put your worries aside and speak with him.

      Delete
  29. I am having this issue. My boyfriend has been acting strange for the past 6 weeks. He only glances at me and walks away with my friend (who is a girl) for the past 3 weeks (I think...I am not exact with how many weeks on the ignoring part). He hasn't talked nor text me in awhile. I plan to confront him. I still have feelings for him. May I please receive advice comments.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stick with your plan and confront him.
      Remember that he is not the centre of the universe unless you choose to believe this.
      You really have nothing to lose by calming speaking to him to tell him what you've been noticing and to find out if your judgements were true.

      A relationship can only work when two people communicate. It is the foundation.

      Delete
  30. I see myself in everything Ive read and I think im going to follow this advice I feel I have to move out and move on. I have bine hurting myself trying to get him to open up to me he seem not to care how all this is makeing me feel so I have made up my mind to start loveing myself more then I love someone that dosent care anymore for me. I will be better off by my self.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't have to think that being on your own is some kind of punishment. It isn't. Women are capable of a lot more than they think.

      You are not less worth by being single. You are already complete - you are alive and you have the right to take care of yourself. Nobody should think that we need another person to 'complete' ourselves. I have stopped believing in that crap. :)

      When we are on our side, we know ourselves and we know what we want in life. So you don't have to stay in a situation that hurts. You have the choice and it is yours to make.

      Delete
  31. My boy-friend and I have been dating for about 9 months, and we've worked together and been friends for 4 and a half years. His ex/son's mother of 9 years left him a year and a half ago, which I helped him through as we were only friends and I was also in another relationship. He has bouts with depression and feels inadequate often. And when he's in these dark periods he ignores me, sometimes days at a time. We both have children, and yesterday my daughter and I surprised him and his son at their house (I have a key). He said hello and we had some dialogue, but said he was having sinus pressure, asked me to watch the kids and went to sleep. I left with my daughter after putting his son to bed. Part of me wants to reach out to him and let him know I'm here, and another wants to give him space. Which should I chose?

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hey
    My husband and i are going through this he started igboring it all started with a every saturday boys night out coming home at 5 A.M drunk. Than he just wont leave his phone alone he hasnt taken me out its been 5/6 months. Not even for a walk! Forget abt dinner and movie .. He is been ignoring me so much that when he comes home from work all day he doesnt even talk to me i made every effort possible i tried to communicate nicely i cried i fought i begged nothing worked .. All day at work he wont call or text wont reply my texts .. Finally we had this arguement as asked me to leave so i left .. That same morning i asked him what he wants from life and me he said well its too late we are already married to think abt this now.. So i been at my moms place past 4 days and he hasnt call nor i called him. I am tired of everything .. He used to be so much in love with me and suddenly he just stopped i am so hurt

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I quote:
      "i asked him what he wants from life and me he said well its too late we are already married to think abt this now.. "

      This is him not listening to the question you asked. All you asked was "What do you want from life?" and saying that it's too late to think about it is an excuse to cover up something else that is really bothering him (or the two of you for that matter).

      When there hasn't been simple and regular communication in the relationship, it can be very hard to start. Because you both need listening skills, e.g. When you ask "What do you want?" then his answer should be "I want..." and not "Why think about this now?" or some other irrelevant answers/questions.
      Remind him that if he keeps trying to read between the lines instead of seeing things for what they are, then he's gonna start assuming things that weren't even there in the first place.

      Understand that 'being in love' is only and phrase and a phase in life. It was nothing more than a rush of hormones and emotions and it never stays the same. To have the expectation that it should would only lead to disappointment. It is so much easier to remind each other everyday about what you two appreciate or like about each other... even if it's a small thing. It's like saving up for a holiday... it only gets better with time.

      Encourage him to tell you what's bothering him. Don't blame each other - you two chose to be together in this - so to honor that is an important step. Reflect about each other's mistakes, where did it go wrong?, what happened?, what did the two of you miss or didn't see coming?. Reflect and discuss. Be on each other's side. Help each other out.

      I understand that you are hurt, but I think he is too. Don't let it wait too long... because it won't get better on its own.

      I mean, if you two are in a burning house because one of you started the fire, would you start being at each other's throats and risk being taken by the fire or would you help each other out of that house and into that fresh air?

      Delete
  33. So my boyfriend always says he is not a phone person and he always needs to be busy. he doesn't answer my calls,fb messages,texts,etc. and if he does it is rare. So recently i had a long skype call with his close gal friends who are also now mine as well, telling them about how i felt. and they kept pushing me to tell him too. you see i have and things would change for a week then go back to normal. Everyone is upset on how he is treating me apparently. I posted my status thanking my friends for there advice on skype.
    And the next day i took it , and sent my bf a text "when are you free?" and he actually replied in the same our "sat/fri" so then i put "i think we need to talk" and then i put "we need to talk" no reply at all.
    2 days have passed and still no reply. i sent a text after the day i said we needed to talk saying "i just need to talk in person, then can we go on a date after?" and still no reply.
    my theory is he feels angry with me, cuz he feel ganged up on by our friends and i.
    I have been worried . He keeps ignoring me, how do i get him to stop and agree to talking to find common ground in person?

    ReplyDelete
  34. My boyfriend ignores me when he gets mad or irritated. I try to talk to him about it and he just ignores me for a while. I have said that we need to communicate better and when something bothers me or I can't stop thinking about something and I tell him and he doesn't like it he just shuts me out. I love him more than life itself but I'm tired of being the only one to communicate most of the time. Can someone give me advise on what to do?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. leave him. If this was your best friend, what would you tell her. Yes, it's hard to leave when the hurt is so great - but, it will go away. Isn't it better to hurt for awhile then for the rest of your life? He is taking advantage of your love and thinks of you as weak prey, someone to take advantage of.

      Delete
  35. So in other words.. keep your self occupied so it doesn't hurt so much right? Lol if you've tried all of this.. maybe he just doesn't care!

    ReplyDelete
  36. My boyfriend has been living with me for 4yrs now and he's a hard worker whom works even on weekends if they let him..he has goals and is very positive at all times but when we go out for a drink and I've told him plenty if times that i don't want to go drink instead i prefer the gym it something else..but he ignores me and as well as ignores me while we're out and i notice he only talks to me when there's more men then women! =( but ignores me when there's not that many men around and rather talk to the bartender(female) bout anything and ignore me! I'm getting tired of trying to communicate and i hate to leave him because in 46& feel i should try nd work things out..he was locked up for 13 flat years..i sometimes feel unwanted i have talked to him and only when i bring that up he pays attention but in a sarcasm way =( &only at that point then goes back to shutting me off =( how much longer till he changed that behavior?

    ReplyDelete
  37. Ladies, have your heard the term ‘narcissist’? Narcissist is someone (usually male) who only cares for himself. Mayo Clinic definition: Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings.

    When you get with these men who leave for days at a time or won’t talk to you OR will call you a nag because you are trying to communicate with him . . . . there is only one answer . . . . . . RUN, RUN, RUN!!!!!!

    No amount of anything will change this guy. I have been with one for years. I have read up on this and it is sadly true. You will NEVER get him to be the way you want him. I learned too late. Save yourself.

    Think of this before you have children with your guy. If he is difficult now, usually it only gets worse with time. Your children will suffer. Those of you with children, it is a case by case thing. By then, you can’t afford to get out. In that case, do what the blog says. DO take time to pamper yourself. Take your child(ren) along if you have to. Most gyms have daycare. Remember, your children did not sign up for this either, you brought them into this. I would take my kids to the mall for ice cream, because that was the only thing I could afford.

    Don’t turn to drugs or alcohol. If you are married, don’t turn to another guy - that will make things worse.

    Sorry this is long-winded, but it is important. Please don’t take a narcissist lightly. He will NOT change. Treat him like you would a rattlesnake!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Hi Ira,
    Awesome advice! Well my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years... we did communicate. We sat down and had about like a 15 minute talk literally. Since the day we started dating, we hanged out every single day! I actually liked it alot.. but in this recent conversation we agreed that seeing each other every single day isn't necessary. That we should see each other just Fridays. So in the future we don't "have doubts and resent eachother' those are his words not mine. Ever since he said that I have been wondering if thats how he feels since he did say it... because I have never doubted my love for him or I could never see myself resenting him. He use the excuse for back to school how we should focus and blah blah. But school hasn't been a problem before why now? He said we need a break and than when he saw my face said he nothing changes you will still be my girlfriend blah blah... but I feel like he actually meant the break so should we not speak to each other? Should I let him find himself? ( thats what I'm guessing that he needs) Should I let him have a chance for him to miss me? I asked him if he loves me or if he's just use to us. Of course he answered he loves me. I asked him if he's bored in our relationship he said "no that its never boring" I asked him of theres anything I can work on that he doesn't like about me. In bed we usually just get down to sex theres no romance. What should I do... I'm just stuck please help.

    Thank you for your time

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello,
      I think it's let's stressful for you not to think too much or too deeply into the situation. 'Falling in love' is not the same as 'being in a relationship', it is a phase that ends. So if you two fit together then you both should be able to pull through. If not then why worry about what he really means. Guys usually say what they mean, so if you don't understand, ask. If there is no answer, stop chasing. :) I'm sure you have better things to do than that.
      Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  39. Hi im 32 married woman with a daughter with Special needs me and my husband hVe been through alot back in 2008 i flew outa state fo stay with my parents me n my daughtef who was one and a half at the time. .the reason i left was because he cheated on me several times befoore i left also while i was 7 to 8 months pregnant with my daughter i have been hurt beyond imagine during our 3 yeaR separation ..i prayed stayed faithful while he slept around with different females also having one contact me n tell me how good he is in bed..i pushed on cor my daughter i loved this man and still do..duding thT time he told me fo divorce him..i couldn't mustard the courage to do so..so a few months in 2011 i flew bak to visit him so his daughter can see him n spend her bday with him i ended up staying..so..my daughter is now attached he claims he's been faithful since ive been bak we hVe seem to fall bak inlove yet he does have female friend he hangs out with her on occAsion i met her briefly once he decided on our anniversary take me to a cassino she was at and i said hello but me n my husband moved on to eat..his cell phone text read..so u brought wifey this woman is 48 years old n talks slang any way my point is hes lied about going out with her he even took her out said he was going with his boys he swearz shez just a friend..but it bothers me from what hes done to me over n over yet he doesnt get why im botherd of him hanging out drinking till 5 am in the morning..all i do is pray i dnt have any family here im working 24/7 with my spe ial needs hild im just frustrated and sadend...srry for my long essay thanks cor listening

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi beautyfulsoul81,
      Thanks for reading. Let me just say on thing. Ther is one truth in a relationship: once a man lies and cheats, he will always lie and cheat. It's just the way they are and it is NOT your fault.
      You may forgive but you might no longer want to stay with him and that's okay.
      You've stated it clearly - he bothers you. So you have a decision to make. What happened has happened. What you can do now is to move on, take good care of yourself and be there for your daughter. God bless.

      Delete
  40. I have problem with my bc of 4 years he move in about a year ago and hasn't had a job for almost a year he doesn't go look for one. He sits on his video game all day long while I'm at work and then when I get home he's still on the game. He barley talks to me when I get home from work.I've tired to talk to him about it so many times and he just says I k'm ow all spend time with you or he will say after this game and then it never happens .I don't know what to do anymore please help

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey,
      oh that seems like one of the situations I've been through myself. :) Video games can be a girl's worst enemy.
      Well, what you could do is get specific. When you talk to him, make sure you address his addiction to video games and describe in detail how it is affecting your relationship. Because it comes down to one thing: it doesn't mean that he has to stop playing games, it just means that he has to set his priorities straight.
      But if he refuses to, then you have a decision to make. And dare to make it :)
      As a woman you also have the right to consider: do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?

      Delete
  41. I'm in a relationship where my boyfriend and I only saw each other at uni, so when we left, we don't often see each other (I live in Manchester, he lives near Peterborough). When he does text or call he tells me how much he loves me and how he has to come visit sometime. But most of the time (like now) he ignores me for long periods of time. I don't have facebook and don't attempt to investigate his personal life when I'm not around. I love him very much and trust him, but recently I called and left a message because of a family crisis which has left me very upset so I wanted to talk to him because he always knows the right thing to say. It's been 5 days and he hasn't got back to me. I'm worried if something's wrong with him but I can't afford a train ticket (I'm hard working but very hard up - he's the complete opposite, he's loaded). I need someone to talk to, I'm desperate. Please help. Sorry about bad english, I'm working on it! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How is your english bad? :) Be proud of your english. I've seen worse.

      I hope he has gotten back to you by now. You can always tell him how you feel (like what you told me) and give him the chance to be there for you too.
      Long distance relationships need a bit more commitment than regular onces but that is for the two of you to work out together.
      Just remember that it takes two and it will be fine.
      Don't worry too much :)

      Delete
  42. Hey ira thanks for your well thought out blog,I go through this with my husband on a regular basis so I conclude it to be a behaviour pattern.as you so rightly suggested it is about taking care of ourselveS,not taking it personally ie his behaviour equates my worth or that I'm needy because I have needs.maybe iN time I will decide that this relationship isn't what I want and will empower myself to make changes in my way and time.well done for giving a voice to the unheard.keep on keeping on.x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey! We are all human and we have needs, it's okay. It only becomes a problem when our minds and emotions kick in making us believe things that are very damaging to ourselves. You're right, it really does make a difference when we *for once* be there for ourselves instead of running after others. What others are, do or say has nothing to do with our worth.
      I appreciate your comment and thanks for dropping by.
      Take care of yourself and do something fun today! :D

      Delete
  43. Hello, I'm having problems wit my bf of almost a year now. Every time i want to go out he always says he is too busy taking care of his siblings and his Mom (which i don't mind. Or he's always complaining that he has no darn gas and we can't go out to far places (beach). We just recently got into an argument cause i told him that if i were in his shoes, i wouldn't care if i was too tired i would go see him no matter the situation. There are some weekends that he plays soccer with his friend, which i am okay with it. but there were several of times that he said, oh i can't go out i have to help my mom but then he pops up at my house for about 5 mins coming from hanging out with his friends instead of hanging out with me after two months. Idk what to do anymore. I do love and care about hi but he has to change some things that i honestly abhor about him. Can you please help me??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's important to know that you cannot change *anything* about a person. But you can tell him about it.

      You want him to know that you care by saying that you would see him no matter what your situation or condition is, but I'd advise you to stay realistic. If you put him in 1st place then you would stop caring about yourself - which is the point of this article.
      I don't think that you would want to visit him if you were REALLY tired, sick, or have to take care of your mum or siblings.
      It's not about how much time you spend together, it's about making the most of the time you get to spend together - even if it's for 5 minutes.

      I'd say, talk to him, tell him your expectations, ask him about his expectations and where you both see yourself in the next few years.
      And most of all - stay positive, stay realistic, love yourself and care for yourself first before you can love and care for others.

      Delete
  44. Hi ms. Ira! I m having situation like this now thats why i searched for something that can lift up my spirit. I m verymuch affected with this guy who is ignoring me lately. We are not into relationship but we were close but i noticed lately.. he never replied anymore on my messages, never answers my calls which makes me furious. What i feel now...the more he ignores me the more furious i feel now and i never stopped. What should i do now?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous, things have been very hectic for me lately so sorry for the late response. My advice for you would be to ask yourself why you feel frustrated. When we are frustrated, we are usually reacting to our need that is currently not being fulfilled. So what do you want from your friend? That is something you need to let him know.

      Try not to jump into conclusions too fast when he doesn't respond. In fact, calm down first and ask yourself:
      Is it really THAT important and worth it to go around chasing ONE guy?

      What I'm trying to say is: why not give it a pass for now and do something fun that you have always wanted to do? Focus on something else that lifts your spirit right this moment :)

      Delete
  45. Dear Irn

    Me and my boyfriend we have been dating 4 a couple of weeks we work in the same complex but different departments its been days now i send him text and he does not reply the whole day yearsteday i send him massages and he didn't respond i don't know what im doing wrong or im i pushing hard im just scard i will lose him which is one thing i don't what to do i love this guy alot'
    Pls help me ut i don't know what to do anymore.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  47. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months now. We were friends for 2 years before we got into a relationship. At first it was very exciting and romantic but lately l feel that he is ignoring me very much. I tried to talk about this with him. He said that he isn't ignoring me and is just busy because of work. But he spends a whole lot of time talking with his girl-friends while it takes him hours to simply reply my text. I try not to get upset but no matter what I do to distract myself, I end up crying and sometimes (stupidly) worried sick that whether he is okay or not. I really love him but don't really what I should do when he denies the FACT that he is ignoring me. Please help. I am completely screwed here.

    ReplyDelete
  48. my husband love me alot bt he want different taste from different girls,, what should i do...????

    ReplyDelete