03 May 2011

A topic I really hate

It's been awhile since I wrote my bothersome thoughts away. The good thing about writing it in secret journal is that nobody gets to read it, nobody knows about it, and I 'might' just be able to move on without ever having to feel messed up again. But the bad thing about writing in secret journals is that it's pretty much the same as bottling up those feelings.

Writing it all out on an open blog is a lot different. It's more inviting. Knowing that people will read, is like expecting that someone somewhere gives a damn about your issues. But it's also actually the other way round. And I'm aware of all that.

Today I noticed: I'm doing things that make me miserable. Not sharing my thoughts with others on my blog, even if they're sometimes not so good, is bothersome. Because I make myself think that I'm not allowed to for some reason. As if I'm scared of who might read, and what they might think, and how they're gonna make me even more miserable about it. And that's point number one.

Yesterday was the last time I cried. I picked Michael up from the train station, and we walked to the school where I'm considering to go to from next week onwards. An introduction was to be held then. After entering the classroom, waiting for an hour, and watching it fill up with more people, it was clearly a bad start that nobody showed up to introduce anything.
When someone, a teacher, finally showed up, it was so late. Unbelievable.

I listened, wrote my name on his list, and listened again. This monotoned, disinterested, voice of his dragged across the room as if here was the last place he wanted to be. He then made eyecontact with me. Cold. Arrogant.
It got to me. And I was angry at myself for letting that be.

He asked me a couple of I'm-not-interested-in-your-answer questions, in german of course. But I was too confused to give the right answer. He then explained to me that no, I don't need to go back to school, and that I could get my educations certs recognized at some education ministry that doesn't even exist in this state anymore. I've heard this a million times from different people, and I just couldn't hear it anymore. I didn't know what was the right thing to do in this country anymore when one says I could just get them 'recognized' and the other says I'd have to take the exam and sit in an evening crash course. I didn't want to listen, nor did I want to communicate with this ignorant piece of sh- because I didn't want to be there either.

For years I've had to think this over. My parents sent me to the 'wrong' school, they also sent me to a religious one. They were too young and naive. I don't find peace in blaming them for that. It'd be useless too. I let go of religion a long time ago. Knowing that if only I had went to a proper, normal school, I would've done better, been someone, did something by now, and not living the consequences of something my own parents thought was best for me. I didn't deserve that. I was 5 when I already knew that what they wanted was the worst there was for me. But no, they wouldn't believe me.

So I can't keep going on like this anymore. Sometime the if-only thinking has to stop. What I can do though, is to do something about it. So that this changes. So that I can start all over again even if it's more shit that I have to go through just so I could break free.

I'm not going through one damn class after the other because I have so much time and money to waste. But some people, look at me as if I'm not human. And I know this very well. I saw it coming long before I came here. The fact is: I will be prejudiced upon, stereotyped, and disrespected. Just like any other foreigner in any country would at least once be.
I'll just have to take it. Then learn to let it all go.

I held back tears on my way back, partly because I was furious, and partly because I was discouraged. I thought: I won't be able to crash course. Having to do it all over again in German, it's easier said than done. And if I don't make it?
And this arrogant man who didn't hesitate to make clear that he didn't want me there, was like a big fireball in my way. Do I have to break through that?
And not knowing what's right to do anymore was so frustrating. Who do I even believe?
I felt (and still feel) so on my own. But why do I feel like I can't do this on my own? All because that man seemed unwilling to teach someone like me?

It's been 24 hours and I still can't get it out of my head. But I do realize that I'm not giving up.

My evening school starts next Monday. And I don't want to think about it anymore. Whatever the situation, even if it tests the hell out of me, will just have to happen and pass. And then we'll see how far I come.

1 comment:

  1. Some people can be like that, I know the feeling. You're right, you can't let it get to you.

    But at the same time, it's okay to be mad every now and then. Getting mad is human, and if they can't see that, then they're just plain idiots.