15 May 2011

Sometimes I wonder why I care


08.05.2011

Less than 24 hours until day one in high-school crash course. I was calm until this morning. Now I'm a 'little' less calm. I didn't talk to anyone about this; the fact that I'm so uneasy about taking this up. It's one of those better-kept-to-yourself things. But then again I'm bouncing back and forth between I-don't-wanna-do-it and I'll-do-it. So many questions: What if the teachers give me a hard time? What if my classmates give me a hard time? What if they all decide to go so fast that I just can't catch up anymore?

Since I'm already registered for the course (in a very weird way that I cannot explain), I'll have to give it the benefit of the doubt. Doubt it is. A part of me hates the idea.

I was a bit irritable today... it's like I have my guards up so high that I get offended at the slightest thing. As if I already prepared to defend myself if something goes wrong. But then I end up overreacting and that's just ridiculous.

On the other hand, I keep forcing my feet back down to the ground. Focusing on this present moment, and not giving in to the thoughts that never change. I've worried about what if I concentrate too much on school and forget about taking care of the household? But a part of me says, so what? I can't always think like a typical woman who believes she has to take care of every damn thing. At some point I deserve to do something for myself too. I've blogged about this before: I can NOT do the dishes/laundry/ironing/cooking/cleaning if I don't want to. I'm not liable for all this shit to the point that I can't even breathe.

I can imagine how much effort I'd have to put in in the next year, just enough to pull through. But that's not the problem. The problem is, when unforseen shit stands in the way, then it won't be just effort, but also pressure.

Too many times I've heard of how I need to be a little more bubbly, cheery, full of flying colours, like every other girl in the world. But tell me, people, would you ever want to be somebody else? Can you really focus if you always have to think about how you have to act?

Then most of all, I really have to stop thinking! No idea how many times I remind myself this, but it still happens to not be enough. To put expectations and assumptions aside is easier said than done. Maybe that's why it's one of the few things in the world that makes one conscious.

Whatever happens, no matter how hard it may be, as long as going back to school takes me somewhere in the end, then it may as well take me there. I can't take everything too seriously, because one thing I cannot forget:

"You are a child of the Universe,
No less than the trees and the stars,
You have a right to be here,
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should."
- Desiderata

1 comment:

  1. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself, Ira. Just do what you believe is right no matter what anyone says. If they say you're wrong, I'll say you're right. If you make a mistake, it's totally fine, they won't think less of you.

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