29 June 2010

Sober Days

On Monday I went out alone. I still remember how it's always been a past-problem for me but it it's pretty much insignificant now. Some things have to be done. I walked for 30 minutes to a department store, lurked and searched for new eye make-up to replace the infected ones I threw away a few weeks ago, and headed for the cashier.

Then I heard a woman's voice calling out, "Junge Frau, zahlen Sie bitte bei meiner Kollegin!" (Translation: "Young lady, please make your payment with my colleague")
I stood there looking around... Who was that? Anyone talking to me? Am I the only young woman here? Yes. Maybe. No idea. What's the definition of young woman? 20's? 30's? There's old people in line, couldn't be any of them, right? For some reason people just enjoy confusing me. I didn't respond.

Then this woman's colleague said, "Nein, nein, ich hab' 'was anderes zu tun!" ("No, no, I got something else to do!") And then she glanced at me for like 2 seconds.
Wha--? Something cryptic going on that I'm missing here? I had no idea what to make of that. So they couldn't even decide. One says Yay the other says Nay. So typisch.

But okay, there I was pretty sure I could just go to the next cashier that was open, but no: my 13%-logical brain was still trying to figure out what was going on. Suddenly a kind old lady gave me a nudge on my elbow, smiled and said, "Gehen Sie, bitte," ("Go ahead, please") as she pointed towards the nearest available cashier. She let me go before her.
"Danke schön," I said.

After all that wasted time, I still managed to catch the bus to the city. Bought my own ticket and was glad that the driver even understood me. After 30 more minutes, I made it to the store, browsed and took my time, found what I was looking for (a pair of jeans on sale), had fun trying them out, eavesdropped a little at conversations in other cubicle I overheard, and eventually took the jeans to the cashier.

And again, the cashier lady was just looking at me as if I have a huge red nazi swastika carved on my forehead or something. I looked back and flashed the kindest smile ever that would make me ignite in flames if I ever saw myself. "Ich weiß, dass ich hübsch bin," I said. "Danke, und schönen Tag!" ("I know I'm pretty. Thanks, and have a good day!").

I figured I may as well enjoy the attention I'm getting.

After that I wanted to go to Michael's workplace to surprise him, but in case that was an intention triggered by my 13%-logic mind I quickly took over and decided I didn't want to interrupt him (or cause me any more weird moments). So I changed my mind and took the bus home.

The past couple of days were full of lessons to learn. I had been in another blank period, just staring at a blank canvas and nothing comes up. Yet at the same time there's so much going on that I can just paint if only there never was such a thing as an 'artist's block'. It could even have been nothing more than a made up theory that I can just erase from my perception so I stop identifying it as that and instead just a period of silence, space and stillness.

Maybe it was just this so-called artist's block, or maybe it was just how demotivated I felt after hearing criticisms (something that's always going to be a part of it all) about my work from others. Whatever it was I'll learn to get over this and bounce back stronger because I can feel that the worse is over and I'll be back to painting again really soon.

Another lesson I learned was that there's nothing wrong with being superficial sometimes.
I made the mistake lately of reading too much into things, people, and situations. But sometimes you just have to take things superficially, for what it is on the outside, and read nothing beyond it. It saves you all the stress and energy of reading-between-the-lines when there are no lines, let alone anything in between.

In the beginning I intend on being considerate, but when I'm honest about it I become the joke.
So it's okay to be inconsiderate sometimes, coz everyone is sometimes, right? I learned that there's nothing wrong with being judged as 'ignorant' or someone who doesn't seem to care, so it's good knowing that I don't have to be so caught up being too careful about that. At times it feels like nobody cares when I care, but then again it never even had to be that way, does it? I'll be considerate of others when I feel like being nice. Not when I want something in return - like this whole 'treat others the way you want to be treated' bullshit - coz there's absolutely nothing to 'earn' or 'get' in return. It's all merely a play.

At the moment I feel curious about what's next. But I'm more at peace with 'right now' where it's quiet and still. Gonna stay awake a little to enjoy that.


  1. Being considerate. Definitely something to ponder.

  2. come and put it on me then