08 May 2010

Muttertag


My mum forgot to call the cell phone service to cancel my phone line, so I had to remind her. I woke up Saturday morning and realized that my phone's still 'connected'. Haha. Hellloo?
So I texted her and she replied, "Oh, yeah yeah, I just got home from a huge dinner with your grandmas and aunts for Mother's Day. Wow. We ate so much. I feel like I'm about to explode."

Wow. Mother's Day. Grandmas and aunts. Ate so much. Explode...
Mother's Day? Yeah. I had it at the back of my mind somewhere that it was today.

Umi celebrates her own Mother's Day. Isn't that great? I don't have to bring the celebration to her. Hehe. She just carries it out on her own and I can leave her alone. Things are good when expectations aren't in the way.

At times I don't know if I want to thank her, tell her that I love her, or just ask in general how she's doing. There were times I've poured my heart out to her, talked about all the guys I've ever crushed on, talked about all the girls I've ever been friends with, talked about puberty, marriage, men, God, sex, religion. And it was funny the times when we were mistaken for sisters instead of mother-daughter. But something's still missing... Communication.
Ever known the feeling of having so much to talk to with someone yet nothing is being communicated at all?
That's it.

Here I'm with another mum, so to speak, and with her I speak only in German. Since Mutti's birthday's coming soon and she was also born on the 13th day of the month, like me, I figured that I will just plan Mother's Day and Birthday together in one day.
And like all other mums, she really is like a mum. Everything from being hugged to being reprimanded, you name it, I've been there. And there would be more to come, so I anticipate. Anything but the same thing that's also missing: Communication.
Ever known the feeling of wanting to talk to someone yet when you do so somehow there's always a misunderstanding?
That is it.

How do I make it work?
Do I even have to?

In all the movies and the TV shows (apparently always a bad example to use as comparison) show all the possible perfect mother-child relationship. And how ideal are they? Pretty much very. And it makes you think it's possible. Well I think it is. Good relationships between mother and son or daughter do exist. It's just a matter of it-takes-two-hands-to-fucking-clap. And frankly, because of hard feelings, sometimes I'm the hand that's always hiding behind the back, folded away, or stuck in a pocket somewhere. That part is called Me Being Childish and Immature.

Do I love these women? Let's just say that I care and I respect (even if sometimes what I get is prejudice on a silver platter).
One gave birth to me and raised me and the other welcomed me into her family. With their commitment to keeping me safe, I am therefore safe. They also both have expectations some of which are hard for me to fulfill. Fullfil. Fullfill. How the hell do you even spell that word?

One thing I am amazed by though, is what strength of a woman means. Am I strong? Putting all the drama and imperfections aside, I still question how these women went through the toughest times of their lives yet still be able to live sane. What would I do when the toughest times come breaking through the door and I have a kid or three under my wings with no one else around? Call 999 in Singapore, 112 in Germany, or 911 like on TV? Cry? Run to the boyfriend or husband? Pray to God? What? The reality is no one's gonna help you pick up or sort out the mess in your life - self-inflicted or not.
I'm baffled enough. It's that sort of no-nonsense, pick-yourself-up moments that at this part of my life I'm not strong enough for yet.

Another thing is... some people aren't fortunate enough to have a mother, or has one but was never loved. I'm saying that I appreciate Umi and Mutti, as far as for the kindness they've shown. What's not perfect is what I'm not going to let bother me for the rest of my life.

Someday I might become a mum. But from what I can learn, it's no role to play. It's a responsibility towards another human being who deserves to be treated well with respect. Not indoctrined, spoiled to the bone or tortured to psychological, emptional, or physical death. And it's certainly not about "oh all I want next is a baby because other women are having babies and babies are so cute."

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