10 April 2010

Up to the surface

Digital art:
Light at the end of the tunnel by ~divino07

Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel or just the train?





How many times do you feel like the only person you can rely on is yourself? How many times do you hear that change can only start with nothing and nobody else but you - the individual level? And how many times do you blame yourself for someone else's actions, reactions, or responses that you feel disappointed by? Or do you stand by your imaginary pride and point your finger at others instead?

It starts with the simplest things.
Maybe the simple things were really simple. Or maybe I only thought they were simple and made the mistake of suppressing them because I thought I would start a theatrical play whenever I acknowledge every little damn thing that probably, maybe, possibly, just doesn't matter. I thought, that that would trigger another situation for me to once again not hate me but hate the decisions I make... which I don't really need right now.
But hey... here it is again.

Last night I had a dream about a Tsunami. I was caught in it. I heard, I felt it. I saw all the people killed in it. I was trying to survive, and for what, I didn't know. Everything was destroyed. And there was nothing the mind could do. Not even think. All I could do was be in that moment.

And that dream wasn't a very good sign. Although to some point it is. My day immediately started out shaky and unstable. I feel like I'm on a bridge over troubled waters. I don't feel like I give a fuck about the fact that I'm safe on a bridge. I feel like I can't stand the noise, the stress I sense underneath it all, and most of all, not knowing if I should stay on that damn bridge, go left, go right, or just jump off. Whatever I do, it had always been the wrong thing to do even if it's doing nothing. So what do I do?
I look at the sky.
I look at the sky because that's where there is just space, air and peace. Where I can just take a few seconds away from everything. Just be in that moment. Breathe.

And maybe... just maybe... I could come back without being so attached to doing things right or to be accepted and acknowledged by others. But what's the difference between being attached and being commited to the -possibility- of doing things right?

It's like this: I am committed to being an artist. I am neither attached to making money nor being poor. I am committed to being an artist.

I am committed to being your friend. I am not attached to you ignoring me, being rude with me, or pushing me away when you’re having a bad day. I am committed to being your friend.

I am commited to being nice to you. I am not attached to you bullying me when you want to feel superior over me. I am commited to being nice to you.

I am commited to forgive you. I am not attached to you lying to me, breaking promises, forgeting, or your taking without giving back or paying it forward. I am commited to forgive you.

The dream is telling me that I have to own up to everything I have done that hurt others including myself, and free myself from the attachment I have to being accepted by my peers.

(Not a) Happy day.


************




I wish I could cross my arms, and cross your mind
Cause I believe you'd unfold your paper heart and wear it on your sleeve
All my life I wish I broke mirrors, instead of promises
Cause all I see, is a shattered conscience staring right back at me

I wish I had covered all my tracks completely cause I'm so afraid
Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel or just the train?
Lift your arms only heaven knows, where the danger grows
And it's safe to say there's a bright light up ahead and help is on the way

Help is on the way
I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over me

Depression, please cut to the chase and cut a long story short
Oh please be done. How much longer can this drama afford to run?
Fate looks sharp, severs all my ties and breaks whatever doesn't bend
But sadly then, all my heavy hopes just pull me back down again

I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over me
Then I was given grace and love, I was blind but now I can see
Cause I found a new hope from above, and courage swept over me

It hurts just to wake up, whenever you're wearing thin
Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in
The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid
But I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope
And that makes me feel brave


Tidal Wave
- Owl City

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