18 April 2010

Gute Nacht, Göttingen



I keep the time on my laptop at Singapore time. It confuses me and makes me go back to that - like it's 03:00 in SG when it's 21:00 in DE at this time of the year. But that's good. It's nice to have something to remind me about home so I don't miss it so much. I feel like I'm pulling an all-nighter. And time-wise, at the moment it doesn't feel too differently than it would if I actually was pulling an all-nighter back home.
It was even often that I stayed up late when too much is going through my mind or I'm just generally not looking forward to tomorrow. By not sleeping, technically it makes tomorrow the same day as today, therefore tomorrow sometimes never came... until I do wake up to another day and start over.

I'm watching Michael's red lava lamp and the stuff in it breaking and melting. Makes everything else look green. His favourite colour. A colour we all see everyday. I see it more here because of the trees and the fields. Do people appreciate how much nature they have here? Do they appreciate how many birds are still singing just outside their windows? Do they know that they killed Mother Earth where I come from?

I appreciate how much lack of stress I sense here. Especially stillness. Hier ist alles ganz ruhig; everything's just calm. Most of the time. Calm, even though my weekend started out a little bumpy, literally, thanks to being on a crowded bus on a Friday afternoon getting backpacks and elbows slammed in my face as I occupied an isle seat. Another reminder of home and yes, I was to some point very pissed off. I shouldn't have let it get to me though, but it was one of those learn-it-the-hard-way moments. I got over it soon, eventually.

There is lack of stress yet at the same time there is stress. The stress of being in a strange land, but nevertheless a beautiful one and rich with its own culture. I am curious as a cat. I want to see everything. I want to try this and that. Like a baby I know little about what life is like here in this part of the world, and I sometimes act like a total blur-sotong-rabak-gila (English: hopeless idiot). And there is so much that I want to know. But sometimes I'm just too nervous to do things on my own in a place so far away from home. Not confident enough to just get out there, embrace nervousness, and just do things.
Window shopping, walking, watching, taking pictures, and especially speaking.

I hear a lot of 'just do it's, and yeah, I just do things. I'm doing just that right now. But there are times I still freak myself out. Sometimes I even wonder how the heck did I spend 12 to 13 hours on a plane on my own once every year in the past 3 years? That's not normal. Haha. And of all the other countries on Earth I would spend time in, it turned out to be Germany.
I never saw that coming. And it opened my eyes to a lot of things. Especially to the fact that there are other worlds out there. It's not enough to just watch them on TV, read or talk about them. Because the moment you are in the picture, you realize that you start back at one.

I have to expect myself to be able to speak German by now. Or at least soon. I enjoy every lesson hour, do well enough, and I have fun motor-mouthing stuff in German at school even if I screw up the rules and only realizing it when it's too late. The funny thing though is, I do also feel a little pressured because I'm not perfect in it.
It's like driving. I know how to. I just also realize that when I do then I screw up somehow somewhere, and like that's not enough I also get honked or shouted at or tailgated. It's just aweful. No idea why I relate it to driving, but maybe it's only because it was something new to me. After 4 years it still fucking is. But with driving, I wasn't confident about it, I was also too excited about it, hence now I despise it to an extent. With German it's a little different. I like it but I'm not totally obsessed or excited about it. I'm extremely careful with it. So ok, that just made me officially weird.

It's calm all around me, but I myself have to calm down.
There are things I have to figure out on my own.
I wish there was a little bit more comfort. Just saying.

Good night for now. I'm glad tomorrow's Monday. Opportunities await, and I carry on with my quiet little adventure.

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