05 September 2009

Watching you ridicule me

"Watching You Ridicule Me"
Mixed media:
(Ink on paper, enhanced on Photoshop CS4, 210 × 297 mm)


As and when I can, and as Blogger's unpredictable mess-of-a-page allows, I shall post up my new artworks. Now that we have a new all-in-one printer contributed by my sister's generous tutor whose name I don't remember thus cannot spell, it makes something like this possible.

The drawing above was not inspired by anything, none of my drawings are really inspired by anything. They just come through the way they mean to. And even when I think they are complete, they are often not, hence last minute touch-ups can be added on at the last minute. What comes last is always giving the finished work a name. It's probably my least favourite part of art.

On my drawings of people, I find neutral (facial and bodily) expressions piercing because they give away pretty much nothing so there's no easy way to tell what the concept and emotion implied are. And when the only feature visible are the eyes, they become the focal point. Yet they also take the attention away from the face and on to something else. In my work I like taking elegance, poise, beauty, or stillness, and twisting it with or around darkness.


***

The past few weeks have been somewhat revealing. Certain things unfolded and became clearer. For what purpose I don't know. Responsibilities at work keep me active, challenges cause me to make mistakes and in turn another lesson to learn, work is not always good but no matter what I could still accept even if I dislike, and conversation was made between me and the very distracted and overworked woman I had a 'business' meeting with today.

I also saw a side of my mum today that answered some questions I had. How she used to talk or rather boast about patience, acceptance, peace, all of that turned to dust. But to say that would be an insult to dust.

I'm not disappointed, I'm just disgusted by the talk without the walk. She keeps talking about what gives her peace, but every other day I see her coming home only to talk about someone else's faults and weaknesses. Whenever she drives, she gets easily agitated by the slightest inconsiderate driver, thus becoming impatient. And when it comes to me, each time we are supposed to leave the house together, she will start another argument about how she always has to wait for me. But I cannot catch up with her endless race against time even if there is no reason to hurry. This is the disease in Singapore: rushing.

In the car she was mad at me, and I told her that she had choices:
1. She doesn't have to drive me at all if she doesn't want to
2. She could drive away and not wait for me, in any case if I don't see the car I can always go on my own OR decide to go back home
3. She could stop rushing when there is no reason to

But she tells me she -wants- to send me, doesn't want to drive away without me, and doesn't want to stop rushing because time is always precious.

Precious my ass.
Time has only been the stupid clock. Nature doesn't function with a bunch of numbers invented by man. Never did, never will. It doesn't have to. It just means to Be. Sure, clock-time is very useful for the human mind. But to freaking attach yourself to it like it's life or death when it is not life or death is madness.
I will not go mad just trying to catch up with someone like that. And that's what I told her.
But she insisted that I am the problem, that I simply don't understand, and that when I grow up (?) I eventually will.

To her
1. I'm still a burden
2. I'm an idiot
3. I'm still a little lost girl who's always growing up even when I am 50

Did it hurt my feelings? Yes.
Did I feed the hurt with more self-inflicted pain? No.
Evidently I got my answer to everything. There is no peace, patience, or acceptance in someone who is so frustrated and offended all the time. How can she even talk about those things like she knows them so well? I'm seeing something else.

She's always going to be that way with me. And that's fine. Can't change her, and will not even try to. I only know how relieved I felt when this was something that revealed a lot to me. A lot that I needed answers to.

Maybe I won't ever go places with her again because I'll only keep her waiting even if I am on time. As long as I can't catch up with her then I am always considered as 'keeping her waiting'. Even if it's 1 minute of her time because I need to grab my bag, put on my shoes and lock the door, or wait for the lift (or make my way down the main staircase).

It's so hard to forgive or accept someone who's like that.
But for the sake of my own sanity I have to.
And I've been very, very observing... watching who else is being that way with me, expecting me to bend down to each and every one of his or her desires, and stepping all over me when I show the slightest resistance.
Then I know the answer and I can pretty much walk away.

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