14 September 2009

Alien waters

I don't have a problem being thrown into water because I can swim.
But I have a problem with being thrown into water I can't swim in.
Yet it happens to me more often than not.

I handled a class today that I have never handled. I had no lesson plan, no guide, no idea what to do, and no knowledge of the children's daily routine, etc. Not my fault, I only had no one to care about the fact that I had no idea what to do. So it's like someone coming up to you shoving a whole busload of kids up your... wherever, and saying "Hey, they are yours. Go teach something."

The thing that I really like but hate is that I pulled through.
I swam in waters I couldn't swim in.
Argh. I went through it like I've done it before. But 'it' is something I haven't done enough. And I'm half-hearted about the whole thing now. It's too late. I was all for it over a year ago but it wasn't meant to be. So now I can't possibly say that I still want this. I can teach but I don't want to be a teacher.
I'm done with trying to be things.

Now that I've probably shown that I could handle a classroom of kindergarteners for a day with nothing on my hands (or mind), they're gonna throw me into more classrooms of kindergarteners unprepared.
Nothing on my hands.
La dee da.
Won't know where everything (like the toilet) is, won't even have teaching materials or papers or pens, or ideas! How about that?
And I'm just supposed to come up with and know everything.

Tapi sudah ku katakan: orang ni semua tak pernah mati.
Aniaya aku dibuatnya.

But on the other hand, I took it as more experience. Not that I can document it or anything. It's just something in my knowledge. Somehow being thrown into alien waters isn't always so bad when I take action to get out of that situation, instead of dwelling in the whole misery of "Why me".

It reminds me of one thing: my 3 months in Germany.
That's worse than alien waters.
There were times I gave in to the shit and piss I get around me, and no one else was there but me who knew exactly what it was like.
But, I wouldn't say that it changed me. I'd say that it woke me from the depressive spiral of perception and interpretation. And it still isn't an easy thing to wake up from considering you get the same shit everyday even from the people you care about.

So I said no to another day of work tomorrow.
I didn't care if it was last minute. That's other's turn to deal with.
There's stuff I gotta do and that's all I know.

And about the harmful chemical(s) called Sodium Lauryl Sulfate or Sodium Laureth Sulfate... and it probably has a dozen other names out there, there's something else that's toxic: Fragrance (chemically developed).
This is a disappointment. I like fragrance...

I threw out my shampoos (no more poos), and stopped using the body lotion and face wash. The bar soap by Dove that I'm using is much safer than I thought, which is good. So I am hunting for safer alternatives but it's not going to be easy.

But then again...
I don't have time right now for all this.
Good night.

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