25 June 2009

Doing things out of frustration

It was back again to work this week. A week that started out all messy after a troubling weekend.

Work distracted me. Each day I wished I could stay on longer, but once it's time to leave, it's time to leave. I had to make time everyday to keep up with German whether or not I like to. It was a lot more fun in Germany having a class of people who's learning with me. Greg, one of my classmates then, was my study partner and it was fun that we could help each other out. I was doing more of the helping and we get stuck with a lot of things, but we laughed so much trying to figure out grammatical rules or word meanings. I'm still waiting for him to show up on Skype coz I wanna know what he's learned since I left. I'm sure he knows more than I do now.

Perhaps why I feel very awkward is my wanting to still be in that class today. It's a disabling attitude because I can't focus on being where I am now and on the way things are now, and that's because I keep wanting to be somewhere else. Then again it's hard to just be where I am because here it makes me feel like I can't... function. Writing results in me holding a pen atop a piece of white paper and that's all there is until I put it all away again. Giving art a chance result in pointless doodling of squares, teddybears, broken hearts, sharp zig-zags, monsters, then painful words. And afterwards it's time to do something else already like chores, sleep, and work. But as much as I hate them I end up being thankful because they take me away from all that stress.
All that mind stuff.

The website I worked on for the cafe is still going on. My meeting with the manager last week didn't turn out quite right. I called her phone to tell her that I'm meeting her at a different time but she left her phone at home. So she ended up waiting for me and of course it had to be MY fault (it always, always is!). And she stayed for like 20 minutes, was very distracted with everything, and then had to leave for dinner with her husband, so there was I was sitting with my open laptop, pieces of paper and slight confusion. I am still waiting for her to get back to me because each time I try to reach her she just doesn't respond.

I also bought something on eBay from a seller whose opinions sound like someone I very much know. I apparently wanted to confirm the time and place we could meet and he told me not to jump to such conclusions, he thought I was asking him to end the auction early (which was not true), and said it isn't confirmed yet that I would be the winning bidder. Not only did I know that, he was of course also right. But inside I kept wondering why am I always screwing up moments that are not worth screwing up? Is it because I just forget things easily that people have to slap me all the time? For a moment I wanted to be hard on myself, but I also thought that it is just not worth it anymore.

Then I bought a used laptop to replace mine. I don't know why I bought it. Maybe it was out of frustration that I feel like I don't need my money anymore. That I just hate the fact that here I am with effort put into work only to see the earnings vanish over what, bills, medicine, transport, food? I felt like I may as well get rid of the money first before it gets rid of itself on something that I'm sick of faster than I could earn it back.

Then my laptop and the one I bought were the things I wanted to get rid of. The phone too, and the camera. But it was a rather ridiculous urge wanting to get rid of things that I actually use. The phone is a reasonable thing to get rid of but it's on a 2-year binding contract which only ends a year from now. If I get rid of it now and request for a contract termination I'd have to pay a fee which costs way too much. So I'd have to wait until May 2010 to get rid of my phone for good. But thinking about that now, I could've just paid the fee rather than buy another laptop out of frustration. Or I don't know. Either way it doesn't change the fact that I want to keep leaving the 'blocked' situation I am in.
It is the way it is, I either accept that or I leave it. I can't leave so that means I have to accept it. I just have to. Things are still going to happen the way it's supposed to and I can't go against that.

So now I'm selling the laptop off again at a higher price. Someone is interested to buy it but she's in negotiating terms, which is fine. No guarantees, but if she takes it then that's good enough too. I realize that if I get rid of my old laptop I would regret it. Can't bear to leave it even if it's so old and ugly and not fast enough to play The Sims 3 (very, very sad). I'm used to this laptop although I know sometimes I really hate it, but I could use it until it apparently 'dies' and there's nothing else I could do about it.

I hated this week. I still do.
But when it's over it's over.

......

I met Hakim today, my cousin. We had late lunch and went on with our 'movie date' and watched Transformers: Rise of the Fallen. It's a little creepy to see machines transform into machines that can talk, feel, and be either male or female. They look really cool though, just a little complicated and very untidy, and heavy. But it was very infatuating to see Audis that are Transformers. Even sexier than ever, haha. For some reason I just like Audis... they're nice to look at.
Overall the movie was weirdly interesting. Some parts were tear-jerking and some funny, like a guy being tased in the balls and another one being directly under a Decepticon's clanging scrotum. Ugh. And that was like Batman's suit that had nipples. Just... totally useless.
Also, there seem to be machines in heaven in this movie. That was a very, very, inappropriate scene. Or maybe that was not really heaven. I don't know. That was way too weird.
Anyway, I enjoyed the movie nontheless and I recommend it. That's all I'm gonna say.

On the way home I got into another encounter with a pervert on the train who intentionally brushed his forearm against mine repeatedly. He glanced at me more than a couple of times and I glance back only to see him quickly look away. I stepped away and still he kept looking. When I got off at my station he got off too, but I sat down at the platform's seat and paid my full attention to him. The crowd were slowly making their way down the escalator and he was standing a few metres before me still looking at me. I returned that look twofold while taking the flask out of my bag and drinking some of the water. I was waiting to see what he was going to do.
After awhile he seems to realize something and he immediately followed the crowed. I was still looking at him. As he disappeared down, he still looked at back at me. That was enough to make me shake my head. What was that?
I waited at that platform for 10 minutes before leaving and checking that no one was following me.

Another day at work tomorrow and I am going to stop feeling bad and go take a shower now before going to bed.
Family picnic on Saturday. I need some laughter medicine. Everyone else is having it lately but me. And would you like to see some pictures? I know I don't post a lot on Stark Corner, but that's only because I just wanna know if my readers would be interested in seeing in addition to reading.
Let me know.

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