12 May 2009

Weird Tuesday

As I have written in the first sentence of my last entry: Don't attempt to understand with the mind.
To comprehend is to mentally understand. Some of the things I write about are deep, some too deep for you to internalize that it becomes frustrating. Some of you also find that almost all of my posts don't make sense to you and that is rather interesting to know. Yes, to the mind, something that cannot be conceived will definitely not make 'sense'.


I slept an amazing 10 hours last night. That is twice as much sleep I've been getting in the past 3 weeks. Work's been challenging, today being the most challenging. I've had every part of my body hit and grabbed by some of the children I teach and I was trying hard to control my thoughts about that. I've had to stay away from these children who could just come up to me without any warning and... yeah. And then they get a good scolding. I felt totally angry and awkward for a moment, but I realized that it happened so it's not like I can undo it. There was nothing I could derive from it and I'd rather not be upset over a matter I could learn a lot from.

When I didn't think and just observed some of these kids, they seem very disconnected in a sense that they cannot respond to simple instructions, let alone know what is acceptable or not. I discipline where necessary, but I hesitate to reprimand them because I don't know them well and I also don't know at what level of communication is necessary for such minds. They are what society call 'Special'. To them words make no sense. They just do things to their liking.
But I can't because I might cross the line.

There was an autistic kid who just sat on my lap once and then he head-butted me, like, all of a sudden, and he was a lot stronger than I thought. It was a good thing I quickly pulled my head to one side and avoided what could've been quite bloody. And then he just started wailing and I was like... okay... hm... words are no use here... oh... right... just let him cry there until he's tired.
I was curious about what he was thinking of because the only words he says are repetitions of what he heard someone else say, and when he needs to go to the toilet. Nothing else.

I could listen to my mind now saying all sort of things like 'How can you be nice to such horrible, psychotic children?' but when I shut off the thoughts what's left is the fact that behaviour does not make them. They are what I see when I look at them without thought. Just children. The more time I spend with them the more I don't want to have children.

One reason is I just don't want them if I can't stay healthy and positive, or if I find out that I would pass down some kind of health problem. I wouldn't want them to be put into the care of someone else for the first few years of their lives. They tend to grow up confused or obsessed. If I know I won't have time for kids then just don't have kids.

Moving on... The Goethe Institute Singapore has decided to abandon my email to them regarding the German course. I haven't been waiting but then there also hasn't been any response. Should I continue with the course, should I not? Should is probably the wrong word to use here... I don't know if it's worth how much it costs. Maybe I should find a local German study group that meets up every other week. I'd be interested to come.

I'm off to sleep now. 5 hours again. Better than nothing. God I'm so tired.

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