04 May 2009

Silence, Spaceousness, Stillness

Hey kids.
As the typical dude would put it: it sucks, man. It sucks at the moment. I don't feel like going to work tomorrow. I'm not thinking about it, just listening to how I feel as of now. I don't even feel like writing out my thoughts is the right thing to do, because it kinda triggers my thoughts. And lately I haven't been getting along with thought. In the past month I've been pushing it away and it doesn't like that. But we can't be together. It doesn't work for me.

So right now I feel like it isn't worth going to work tomorrow. The falling asleep part seem to only be for the reason to wake up again. That's a little limiting. Isn't it nice to be asleep? Have you ever been aware of that? Aware of yourself dreaming, resting, healing? It's beyond words. I would love to be in that state if only it lasts forever. No noise. No thoughts.

And now I'm just trying to listen to this moment right now. The sound of my fingers typing. The sound of my sister's music blasting from her room. The sound of the ceiling fan. The sound of my breath. The sound of the cars driving by outside. Literally it seems like there can never be silence. If I react to that I will go crazy, as I always have. So then I closed my eyes and I could see and feel the space that is between me and all the noise. The space that's always been there. It was pointless to have kept looking for it when it had always been there.

Some of you have told me that I've 'lightened up' ever since I came back.
The fact is I do feel... enlightened. How, I'm not really too sure. To say that it was the trip to Germany, I couldn't confirm that. To say that it must've been the 3 months away from home, yet I don't know for sure either. Because it wasn't something on the outside. Or something I put efffort into. It was, as I've noticed, from within where the mind can't quite understand.

I am calmer now despite being caught in a crowd. Calmer when faced with difficult, hard-ass, people. Calmer when facing difficult situations, especially the ones arising from the voices in my head always telling me to feel bad about this and feel bad about that and making up stories rather than listening to the facts.

For instance, I have over $400 to pay for my phonebill, and obviously that was the result of my own doing. In the beginning it hit me hard and I was wondering how the hell am I going to pay that much of an amount. Thoughts start coming in, guilt too, and my mind made up stories like 'I'm so screwed'. But that was not the fact, of course, the fact is 'I don't have $400'. And frankly speaking, that was a rather calming fact to notice. Because then I knew what I have to do. And even if I cannot come up with that amount of money in time, there can never be a cause for stress. I no longer welcome stress. That would be a life situation. What I care more about is that Life is what's always present. Situations change.

I can be worried about not having enough sleep tonight but I see now that the priority isn't that. It's in living in the present moment because that's all there is and situations that 'are' cannot be otherwise. There's something in this moment that gives me joy and it isn't a person, an object, or any other kind of form, it's just the space that I can feel right now. It's 00:00 hours. Neutral. Silent. I would just stay awake just a little longer because it's beyond words. I am enjoying it.

I've come to the end of what I used to believe in in the past, and moving on to just being aware of my self, my thoughts, my emotions, and of other life forms. I no longer feel attached to any religion, nor do I disregard any. And I feel calm... just by being aware of everything. I no longer feel attached to anyone, or anything - an error I realized I've made that have caused many problems to arise. In some way I feel free. We can lose what we have but we can't lose what we are. And all these objects, forms and possessions that I have cannot 'make me happy'. Let alone 'complete' me. I've seen how pleasure comes from the outside, like a mask that covers up the truth. But joy... joy comes from presence and being aware of that presence. And this awareness exists in all of us... only mostly suppressed by thoughts or mind movements.

How easy it is for us to be puppets of the mind...

So with the new layout, don't panic. There's nothing wrong with your browser or computer screen. It no longer defines 'me', it's just a pattern that represents how I feel and I would like to be reminded of that. I'm not 'less depressed'. I'm happier with my life. Whatever happens, happens. There are still situations that frustrate and annoy me, and there are still people and things that upset me. But I do realize now that my thoughts still slip through once in awhile, just to play games, just to make me expect from others what cannot be, and to make me blame others. But isn't it time to stop falling for that? So I can only do so much as to feel how I feel - like how I feel now: really down in the dumps - and I do know why - yet I let there be space in between me and that emotion. Like only watching myself from a distance. And it's awakening how emotions no longer affect me the way it used to. I feel, but I'm at peace with all of it.

Look at a tree, a flower, a plant. Let your awareness rest upon it. How still they are, how deeply rooted in Being. Allow nature to teach you stillness.

When you look at a tree and perceive its stillness, you become still yourself. You connect with it at a very deep level. You feel a oneness with whatever you perceive in and through stillness.

Feeling the oneness of yourself with all things is love.

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