09 May 2009


This is a compiled list of recent realizations. Please do not attempt to understand with the mind. It cannot carry this capacity.


Should I always be talking about a problem to make things interesting? We like problems don't we? We just love them. We find it everywhere. And we talk so much about the pain that all those problems had caused us. It's what conversations are fueled by.
And then we compare problems. Who's got the biggest problem among us all? You would say "I".

Most of the content of human communication is talk about someone who's not there - revealing secrets and intimacies, what he/she did, what he/she said, and then what you did and what you said.

"Can you believe it? She said..."
"And then I said..."
"Then she did..."
"So what I did was..."
"But she..."

On and on.
What is it that we are trying to gain out of that? There seem to be a desire to always be levels above others, be righter than others, or be more superior. And this is such a desire when we keep looking for acceptance when there needn't be any, trying to fit in when there isn't anywhere to fit into, and seeking assurance from others to confirm your interpretations of your life situations. Always needing that 'food' for the voices in the head we've all mistaken as our own.

Being Right:
I had a colleague once who always had to be right all the time. She enjoys it so much that even when there's nothing to be right about she will create something to be wrong just so she could be right. I listened to every word she said yet I never took interest. Never asked her 'And then what?' and only smiled at the countless times she asked in almost every sentence: "Am I right?"
One might even put it cunningly as: "Am I wrong? Huh? Am I wrong?"
It was always about being right. Observing her and paying attention, I saw the effects of being too attached to the thoughts. So much as to be confused into believing that the Thought is Me.

Famous quote: 'I think therefore I am'
Voices in my head = Me
My feelings = Me
My opinion = Me
My expectations = Me
My things = Me

And anyone who tries to go against, take away, threaten, change, or debate "Me" I will attack.
I only gave an example of the colleague, but I have observed my mind and noticed this pattern. It's probably the ugliest pattern I've ever seen. However it is something inevitable that we all go through. It starts the moment one says: "My toy."

The relationship with the self is interesting. All my life I keep in mind that there has to be a relationship with myself. Over time I feel proud of myself, angry with myself, disappointed in myself, happy with myself. At times I think 'I can no longer live with myself.'
Then I suddenly realized: Am I two persons or one? If there's 'I' and 'myself' then I wonder which one's the real deal. Why is it that 'I' is always the frustrated one with 'myself', never the other way round? Who is this 'myself' that I keep talking about?
What is that voice in my head that makes so much noise? Ah. There it is.

I paid attention to this 'self' that claimed to be me and the voice it has that took over mine. I knew that it is not me. It cannot be me when it is full of past and future, and stories that aren't real. There cannot be a relationship with my 'self'. I'm already just one Being. Like you. Like any other alive.

Relationships between two people don't suppress the alter ego, it encourages it to show. One part has his self to protect, and so does the other. Rather than being Present with one another, we trigger conflict. At first it works and then it doesn't work, and the period where it doesn't work gets longer.

And this is why:
"You complete me. You belong to me. You are my life. You make me happy."

Can you honestly tell me who or what in this Universe exists to complete, belong to, be, or make happy someone or something else? Who's life purpose is that? And we attach such things to someone or something else and when they can't live up to that we blame them and say how disappointed we are. We blame them for the 'pain' they've caused.

What is love when there never was love in the first place?
Love is effortless in all of us but mistaken for all other things.

...and the mind goes crazy. It's scary, it says. It's a loss, it says. It's an end to all things. But could it be the stripping-away of all that is not you? Posessions, attachments, status, beliefs. What would then be left if not the core of You?

When I let go in this moment, little by little, of all that is not me, it felt like dropping a big luggage bag. It also felt like something inside me dying. But there is then nothing weighing me down. Just me moving on. What is this 'death' that I had been taught as a child to 'be prepared for'? There seem to be no such thing, now I realize. It's not a good or bad thing, it's necessary.

Such a thing cannot be conceived by the mind, only by you.

What time is it?
Clock time or present time? Clock time, it's 04:30. Present time is now. If you ask me, the time is always now and that's what we have. Right now.
If there was a clock that says NOW where all the numbers should be then it would always be accurate.

I used to always look at the time and it left me deformed if I may say. Now I don't unless I have to (matters of work).
"Time is precious" we hear people say.
But we seem to always not have time, do we? What is precious is the now that we keep looking for that never comes. We wouldn't realize that it is already here. The time we have is now. It happens for a moment, it passes, and it happens again, and it is constantly there.

If I could ask my koi fish: Koi, sweetie, what is water?
Koi will say: What's water?

It's like asking the Universe, if I could: Dear All, what is the time?
All will say: The time is now.

What is this strange 24-hour clock thing that only exists in our world?

I remember one mistake I made that rendered me helpless, driven to self-hate, and resistant to the present. I almost picked up a knife so I could hurt 'myself' back then understood as my body, therefore, me.
The person I erred came in time and after the entire night of crying, I was still beating myself up. He tried to comfort me although I didn't want him to because I knew feeling that way was my surrendering to the control of the mind.

He then suggested something that I couldn't resist:
"It's a beautiful day outside. It's not too cold anymore. Taking a walk helps. Let's do that. Let's look at the Spring flowers."

My mind was screaming... not now. NOT NOW! There's too much to think about!
But I insisted: Now.

Outside, my senses amplified. I was aware of every step I take, aware of how the air smelt, the wind, the sounds I heard, the presence of this person walking beside me, and aware of the silence. How still were the flowers, even as they bloom. And we came to a big tree that stared back at me. Without giving it a name like 'Tree', I simply looked back at it and again it was still.

We walked underneath it and I sensed its presence too. We walked further along the path, hardly a word exchanged, but I saw, heard, felt, everything around - far greater than words. The grass, more Spring flowers, all the different colours, a woman walking her dog, and a 'V' of migrating birds in the clear sky. It was all beautiful and how had I not realized that it had always been there? Why does it take a mistake to wake you up enough to realize such things?

I realize that this is how we learn to be conscious again.
We have forgotten.

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