03 March 2009

Sullen - Göttingen, Day 62

I've had crazy dreams over the past week. One of them was waking up in the dream in my apartment except that the window was not there and the wind that was blowing in was like 100km/h. The curtains went up to the ceiling and just stood there. Everything else was flying around. Including the lamp, sheets, shoes, sticks, twigs, leaves. When I looked outside it was entirely devoid of life, and obviously for me there was no way out. After hearing a faint heartbreaking voice in the air, I experienced a sharp pain in my left ear when something from outside flew in and stabbed me in the head. Then I woke up.... and it was then total silence.

Last weekend started out a little not-so-good but I managed to pull through somehow. Watched (LotR) The Two Towers and Return of the King, so had that much time to waste. Homework was deliberately avoided until the last minute. But I pulled that off too. Somehow.
Sleep has been an on-an-off thing lately. I've been an emotional wreck and wish I could just shut down and restart to 'Last Known Good Configuration' and keep doing that everytime I feel like when something screws up it's always because of me. Sometimes I'm really up for doing nothing at all - so even though nothing then happens, nothing can also go wrong.
Maybe it's time to go home.

As much as I wish I could have someone to take a walk around the city with tomorrow, I believe to do something different is always to be alone. Be there shit or candies, alone it is. If I stay home tomorrow I'd think too much about unhealthy things to a dangerous extent. May as well enjoy whatever comes even if it kills me.

I talked to Michael and my mum today about this whole being-teased-in-the-streets-for-being-Asian thing. It happened to me today for like the 50th time and I swear I could just jump to the worst conclusions ever about my decision to come here. Honestly speaking it was already beginning to ruin my time here, but then should it be? I don't want it to come to that. Yes it bothered me, but who wouldn't be? Did I react? No. But did I feel the blow? Yes! Whether I like it or not.
One is responsible for what one does. Hence I am responsible for what I choose to 'interpret' from all of this. The only problem is I don't know WHAT to think anymore.

I still have things to do and now I have to decide if I will ever make it happen or if I'm just going to sit around and think about when I'm going to die so I don't have to ever do something like 'try to relax' and then in the end only implode.

Above all the frustration, my mum gave me something to feel better about. Something I don't always hear from her (seriously) so this was much appreciated.
"Don't listen to those people. Take care and best of luck for the coming test, okay? Just relax," she said.

I don't want to try to relax... I want to shut down so I can relax.

1 comment:

  1. the part about you being bullied is so sad, i'm learning about bullying in my english class. i found your blog because i saw a picture you had on it when i searched images on google. i have a blog too in case you want to see who this random person is commenting your blog its www.kaedionrose.blogspot.com