10 November 2008

Wanting (It) Out

I woke up significantly disoriented this morning. I don't recommend 4-hour shut-eyes.

I wanted to stay in bed all day. I wanted to just forget about work. I didn't know why I forced myself up.

On my way to work holding back pathetic tears, I reassured myself that it's just another day that'll turn out alright. It wasn't so bad being kicked in the shin by someone so desperate to cross her legs while she sat in a crowded train. It wasn't so bad being shoved from behind at the escalator by someone rushing to get his entire earpiece length tangled around my arm. I was glad I caught an early train just to be ahead of others, or rather just to have 1 less person in the train so I get a chance to get on.

I burned myself today, twice: once with water, then hot oil. I couldn't ignore the fact that pain does take away pain. I wanted to curse at myself again for being such a klutz, but no, because accidents happen. Told you I was disoriented today.

I fell asleep at 9pm, woke up again at 10pm and here I am. I wanted to start writing in my new journal but I dozed off. So I thought I'd just write them (my thoughts) here instead.

My mum got home today and jolted me by turning up the TV volume dramatically. She asked me why I didn't do the laundry. She told me how unreliable I was because I couldn't even make time for housework. She said she was tired too, so my excuse for being tired no longer counts. Yes, mum, since I am so unreliable even though I know I am not, I will make up for it tomorrow nonetheless.

Today I wanted to follow my inner-gut-feeling-whatever-it-is-that's-not-influenced-by-the-mind. It's telling me to stop working, stop taking up new commitments, stop believing in dreams. It's telling me to make up for the mistakes I've made, the hurt I've caused, and to give birth to change instead of just thinking about it. There is little I can do if I don't forgive myself first.

I just want to get the past out of my head.

What's it like to be able to look forward to something great - something happy? What's it like to count down to a special event or a special day? What's it like to be excited about something you know you deserve?
What is it like to smile a lot?

Only one way to find out. I'm going now to try to get a little more sleep than last night.

1 comment:

  1. Happiness is derived from small victories, such as drinking two bottles of wine, smoking 20 cigarettes and falling asleep typing. That is victory and happiness wrapped up in terms.