01 November 2008

Make up your mind

Thinking, thinking. So much thinking. For what seems to be the first time (of many, I hope) it's different this time. It affected me honestly rather than emotionally. And what a difference it makes. I am relieved.

At the moment I'm in a spot where I have to make a big decision. Three of those, actually: two about work and one personal. But I also realize that tomorrow I already have to make one of those decisions. I know then that it will give me one less thing to worry about (and one less decision to make). So why not.

I've been good and so patient with myself, others, and with my life. There's always something out there that wants to fuck up the plan. But there has to be a point where I just get so tired of being frustrated all the time. I'd like to stop playing the fool. For me it doesn't give me any peace to first make a decision that's gonna make me happier. It gives me peace beforehand to make a decision to cut down the thinking that I do which result in the worries I put myself through. I'd have to decide that "NO, I will NOT worry about this" first, and be dead set on it, before I can even decide on anything else.

Being careless, dumb, stupid, young - it isn't so bad when you give yourself time to think things through honestly rather than emotionally. In my last post I had mentioned how I wished I could start my life over. Personally I thought it was a better perception compared to "I wish I was never born". There is always a chance to start life anew, but never will it happen that one can wish to have never existed and see (or make) it come true. But I'm here now. I may as well be. I have the right to my own decisions and no business with anyone else's judgment of me.
People think of themselves more - the self-centred, the narcissist, the egoist, the arrogant, and the insecure.
I'm just me, trying to ride out a simple life the best I can.

For today, there is something I have to settle so once that's over and done with I'll be looking forward to Monday. For now, however, I need a good long sleep.

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