22 November 2008

As It Passes

This was me taking a break at the office, with a cup of tea and two things to read: a good book, and the press (bad book). When I don't feel like reading I'll listen to my well-stacked audio player pre-installed in my HTC. When I've got nothing else to do I'll write. A thought. A memory. A strategy. A plan. A word. Sometimes nothing. It just feels good to be holding a pen.

I had an interesting Saturday.
While I was sleeping on that spot on the carpet in between the coffee table and the sofa, I had a dream that I woke up on Friday 28th November at 10:00 hours. I was 2 hours late for an important job interview. I felt anything but acceptance. But I was tested in that moment on how I was to deal with the situation and how I was to feel. The last thing I remember was staring out the window in disbelief - all my preparation was for nothing. But I realized that it really doesn't fucking matter. The last thing I remembered was knowing how to go with the flow.
When I really woke up, though, it took me some time to realize that it's the 22nd. That moment of being awake again was a good feeling despite where I was sleeping. The first thought in my head was not of something or someone, but of the present moment, the now. I was safe, I could breathe, and I was rested. The dream didn't even matter anymore. And each second that passes - it doesn't matter anymore.

I have finished with trying to find a purpose to my existence and instead just Be. There can never be a purpose without having to be too attached to it. Right now my purpose is to talk to you. But when I'm done and I move on to something else, that will be my purpose then. And so on. Soon I'm going to sleep, and that would be my purpose. And it's always 'for now'.
Liberating - to quit putting in effort, and to quit being in control of everything. No thinking, no doing, no making other people miserable. No care about what others think. Just Being.

What I like right now is sitting here in the dark, writing, the soft breeze coming in (it smells like the sky), and the room smells of incense which is just the mosquito repellent, hehe. It reminds me of those kampung days: riding old bicycles that no longer have breaks, feeding chickens and their chicks, chasing (and being chased by) geese, visiting neighbours, wading in the river, and walking in the woods.

I'm getting another massage tomorrow. Time to relax, relax, relax :)

1 comment:

  1. Hi Eira i was mostly seduced at the, "...I'll write. A thought. A memory. A strategy. A plan. A word." yet where i got breathless was on the, "Sometimes nothing. It just feels good to be holding a pen." These remind me of my obsessive love for 'ink & scrolls.' Nice meeting you and lots of love!