"God is dead" - Nietzsche
Have you ever felt like God just doesn't give a damn?
I do sometimes. Sometimes.
Often I think that when things don't go my way, when I only get pushed around, or when I have to deal with some idiot again, then maybe God really doesn't give a damn. He wants me to feel that way. He only wants to play with my feelings because He wouldn't put me through it if He didn't know I was strong enough to go through it, right? I mean, isn't that what I hear all the time? Because I'm strong... because I'm good... because I'm kind.
Enough. I do not find comfort in flattery.
It's kind of funny though that before we can feel strong, we have to break down completely. It's the same thing as you can't be hungry if you don't stop eating, and you can't be alert if you don't get any sleep. Sometimes you also can't fix something if you don't take it apart first. The glass is half full, no, the glass is half empty.
It's something life does to make us see everything we take for granted.
Anyway, there were times I felt like the ups and downs of life can be merely handled by reason, logic, philosophy, anything solid that our minds can grasp. I hear so much about emotional intelligence - knowing how to control my emotions - even more so that I'm a woman. Trust me that I have been stereotyped as the drama queen (oh, don't we all girls get the best titles by men?). Hm. Different topic. Not gonna go into pathetic sexist arguments.
As I was saying, I used to think for a moment that I can handle life without God. I have to admit that even though God sometimes seems to be the guy who ignores us whenever we need something really bad or whenever we pray, but somehow I do notice that He helps me up at times I least expect to be lifted that way. And that's when I know that Someone still cares about me in ways nobody ever has. I could be angry with Him, yet I feel understood and more so I gradually understand why things have to be such a way. Eventually I accept the things I cannot change.
To avoid confusion, God and Religion are two different things, and what I'm talking about is God. Or the Higher Power. However you choose to call Him. I don't refer to Him by any name. In fact I loathe the fact that most of us refer to him as a he instead of an it or a she - this personification is almost ridiculously poetic.
Even though I have felt so sad and guilt-ridden for letting go of the faith I used to believe in, somehow inside I still feel like I don't have to be afraid. And whenever life and people is hard on me, I can still turn to someone who'd really listen and not turn me away. Maybe that's the best thing to it - the fact that He knows how I feel in precise detail and I don't even have to try so hard to explain.
Supposedly He knows that I'm not strong enough. But I'm already the way I am so I may as well accept that until it's time for me to go. And then perhaps I'll know more.
For now amidst the noise, the crowd, the hustle and bustle of my city, the itch, and a sad heart - my life is good and I'm happy.
"Nietzsche is dead" - God