27 October 2008

I As I

Hello, children

I hope your weekend was a good one. Mine was exactly the way I thought it would be: well-deserved.

This is one of those days when I wish I was working instead of being at home knowing that everything I try to distract myself with is doing absolutely nothing for me. Waking up was alright, except for that split second of going from the relaxed state to the realistic state.

Really. I wish I was at work instead: being sandwiched in trains, being reprimanded by my boss for the slightest mistake, spending my breaks alone, going from one task to the other like a perfect machine, getting shoulder, neck and back aches, and putting up with loud colleagues.
Whatever, you know. As long as there's no life then I'm fine with it. I thought I needed this day off which happens to be Deepavali (hence it's a public holiday), but I figured that the weekend's a tad bit too long for me.

So here I am having spent the entire day in a room. I don't know what else I could do but I've done what I had planned for during the weekend. I'm just waiting to go to sleep.
Tick tock.

I have to stop looking at the time.

Never had I really thought about how different life could be if I just allow myself to accept things. It doesn't mean that I have to like it. Accepting and liking - two different things. Lately I question myself why I allowed my life to revolve around something that is not my self. Perhaps insecurity. But I thank Insecurity for showing me where I've gone wrong.

I also wondered what is the difference between giving someone space and giving the silent treatment. It doesn't make much of a difference to me, except for the fact that I know giving the silent treatment is an abusive behaviour (hence, to avoid) while giving space is backing off. But where can we draw the line? Both cuts off communication, lets distance grow in between, and eventually closes the book. Could it be a subtle way of it meaning something else? I don't see how it leads to anything positive. What if I keep distance? Will I be missed? Will my worth be realized? Will my absence be noticed? Will it turn out good? Or along with my disappearance and silence, will it be the end of everything?
I've been trying to stop wasting my time sweating these little things.

I wish I could start my life all over again.
Soon, perhaps. I'm so tired.

Alanis Morissette - Not As We

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