15 October 2008

Hello, Insomniadingdong

Insomnia kicks in and I'm having less and less sleep by the days. The only friends I made in the past couple of weeks were books and nothing but. And I realize that contributing to society turns out to be a lot lonelier than doing nothing and being lonely. Not to mention how much the people (a.k.a. overpopulation) here get on my nerves.

What an unnecessary week.

If I didn't have to step foot in the rat race I wouldn't have appreciated how precious time is. Or how nice it is to be home or be anywhere so long as it's away from people (that is by far the best thing to do).
Do I sound like an anti-social? Don't be concerned if I do. Even though I grew up in the city, lots of people, and endless conveniences, still after 21 years I am not used to this. I won't be. What I'm trying to say though, is that the more shit we put ourselves through, the more we learn to appreciate the things we always take for granted. And I wonder why too... do we always have to smell shit to be able to smell the flowers? Who's rule is that? If we don't first smell shit then what would the flowers smell like? Would it be any different? Or has it only to do with merely perception and nothing to do with the actual experience? Hm...

I take my artworks for granted, especially. I could do so much but I just shut them out because of the noise I keep having to put up with. And with the time I get all to myself I'd rather do nothing so I could make up for the time I've wasted pushing myself into things and pushing myself to the point I can go no further. I cannot deny how mentally exhausting it is, but why do I keep seeing that I don't have any other choice?
Of course I do. I'll always have a choice.

With so little time today I improvised a 6-month-old scrap into a complete piece. Furthermore I had much fun doing it. My mind forgets about having any thoughts and my body forgets how tired it is - I was just dead set on finishing. Time was never the factor, it won't ever be. It's only been my state of being all along.

There have been times I wished that the other cares that I have in this world are far more inferior as compared to art. I loved it ever since I was little destroying walls and tables like there was no such thing as paper, yet today anyone could just look at me and tell that I don't give a damn (even if there was paper, walls, tables, whatever). Why? Because I sacrifice myself somewhere else.
But... distance does make the heart grow fonder. They say if you love someone or something, let it go when you can't have it. If it comes back to you, it'll always keep coming back and if you're lucky it'll stay. But if it doesn't then it was never meant to be in the first place.
To me, half the time this sounds like one of those unrealistic bullsh about love. I can agree that sometimes (or rather most of the time) the most emotion time and effort is wasted on is love. However, the other half of the time that saying pretty much makes sense.

My day is over now.
Damn the crowds I will see later in the morning and the next (and the next). I look forward to my good friend, Mr Book. Please distract me, cut me off from the noise, put images in my head, take my mind away -- for all I care.

No comments:

Post a Comment