21 May 2008

Fucked up is me

Yesterday mum suggested that I sit for a Diploma in Tourism course.
One month ago I applied for a work and study program in hospitality.
Two months ago I registered for a part-time preschool teaching course.

In the end I canceled preschool teaching, and I canceled hospitality, and what do you think I'm gonna do about my mum's suggestion?

Absolutely nothing.

Why? Because everything seems wrong.
There's nothing I can even do.

I don't even know why I applied for something I only thought was good but in the end I end up asking myself what the hell's wrong with the part of my brain that's supposed to do its decisive job. It has totally shut down. Defiant in every way. So I come to a stand still. Watching all of you out there having fun in your lives.

When I'm up and about it's wrong.
When I'm inside and alone it's also wrong.
Can't sleep when I want to sleep. Can't relax when I want to stop thinking.
Can't be happy for 2 seconds without being beaten by words or actions of others again.

I keep hanging on to any temporary highs I could get my hands on. Like buying a ring for myself because I like them and I prefer them made of stainless steel, or buying a new shoe (that's peeling off), or a new white dress (and for once I didn't touch something black), or just trying on clothes that I can never afford, or selling off my Motorola L7 (which I now kinda regret), getting a new LG Viewty (kinda regretting also), or eating at a fancy restaurant, or going on a holiday this weekend and another one in June...

Yet all of these things are like placebo. You feel great in the beginning, but after that you realize you've taken one step forward, two steps back. Over and over.
I'm not saying that these things aren't enough. They are. But it's like a dream you wake up from abruptly. It's the reality that I come back to that makes it all utterly pointless.

I'm doing it all wrong. This reminds me of math class... no matter how many corrections I've done and had to crack my brains for, I still somehow never come down to the right answer. And the teacher would come straight at me, "What have you been doing? You haven't been practicing have you? Look, class, show this kind of example and you will never pass the test."
Oh. So I will never pass the test. Because my corrections don't ever make any sense. Somehow something will get in my way. Somehow someone somwhere will tell me "You will never understand."
It is the power of how the longing for happiness, the people I care about, and time itself will briefly harmonize and then collide.

Just keep having worries at the back of my head, keep thinking about what could've/should've/would've been, keep believing that I'll screw up, I'll screw up, I'll screw up. Not because I want to but because I'm convinced by situations that this is how I am. Hate me while you still can and don't miss me when I'm gone.

I don't see the need for any routines
I'm all out of sync, I cover my cuts
And hope they are fixed before I get hurt again

And all this ground beneath my feet
Has decided not to crumble into the sea
I walked in a house, it smelt of paint
And the ceiling it has no trouble with me

- 'Salt Wound Routine', Thirteen Senses


  1. ahh.this happens to me few yrs ago.i decided to take this and that.
    but i think again it's like omg that is so not me.den again it goes over and over.i hate that part of my life it's like u found smth den u lost it again. -.-

    it's time u need to relax i guess.

  2. Firstly, I'm not having fun in my life. We all have our vices, our demons, our bad days. The trick is not to let it get to you. It's not easy, I know that.

    You're in a position where you don't really know what you want out of your life, or maybe you do but it's out of your reach right now. And worst of all, other ppl seems to want to tell you what you should do, none of which appeals to you.

    What you want may be out of your reach right now, but it's not impossible to find a way to step closer towards it and grasp it. Patience is necessary, and I do know the feeling of not having it in spades to be able to achieve your goal.

    Ira, think carefully of what you want. What do you want to do? Then go do it. If you can't do it, then find a way to put yourself in a position to do it. If you need to work at something you don't want in order to get to do something you want, then do it. Theoretically it's possible, and technically you have youth on your side.

    The only three words you need right now are: Don't. Give. Up.

  3. "Piú giú, in fondo alla Tuscolana..."

    !?...passavo per un saluto!