One month ago I applied for a work and study program in hospitality.
Two months ago I registered for a part-time preschool teaching course.
In the end I canceled preschool teaching, and I canceled hospitality, and what do you think I'm gonna do about my mum's suggestion?
Why? Because everything seems wrong.
There's nothing I can even do.
I don't even know why I applied for something I only thought was good but in the end I end up asking myself what the hell's wrong with the part of my brain that's supposed to do its decisive job. It has totally shut down. Defiant in every way. So I come to a stand still. Watching all of you out there having fun in your lives.
When I'm up and about it's wrong.
When I'm inside and alone it's also wrong.
Can't sleep when I want to sleep. Can't relax when I want to stop thinking.
Can't be happy for 2 seconds without being beaten by words or actions of others again.
I keep hanging on to any temporary highs I could get my hands on. Like buying a ring for myself because I like them and I prefer them made of stainless steel, or buying a new shoe (that's peeling off), or a new white dress (and for once I didn't touch something black), or just trying on clothes that I can never afford, or selling off my Motorola L7 (which I now kinda regret), getting a new LG Viewty (kinda regretting also), or eating at a fancy restaurant, or going on a holiday this weekend and another one in June...
Yet all of these things are like placebo. You feel great in the beginning, but after that you realize you've taken one step forward, two steps back. Over and over.
I'm not saying that these things aren't enough. They are. But it's like a dream you wake up from abruptly. It's the reality that I come back to that makes it all utterly pointless.
I'm doing it all wrong. This reminds me of math class... no matter how many corrections I've done and had to crack my brains for, I still somehow never come down to the right answer. And the teacher would come straight at me, "What have you been doing? You haven't been practicing have you? Look, class, show this kind of example and you will never pass the test."
Oh. So I will never pass the test. Because my corrections don't ever make any sense. Somehow something will get in my way. Somehow someone somwhere will tell me "You will never understand."
It is the power of how the longing for happiness, the people I care about, and time itself will briefly harmonize and then collide.
Just keep having worries at the back of my head, keep thinking about what could've/should've/would've been, keep believing that I'll screw up, I'll screw up, I'll screw up. Not because I want to but because I'm convinced by situations that this is how I am. Hate me while you still can and don't miss me when I'm gone.
I don't see the need for any routines
I'm all out of sync, I cover my cuts
And hope they are fixed before I get hurt again
And all this ground beneath my feet
Has decided not to crumble into the sea
I walked in a house, it smelt of paint
And the ceiling it has no trouble with me
- 'Salt Wound Routine', Thirteen Senses