Stark Corner

So here I am again with some more thoughts to share. I learned it again, today, that one way to defuse anger is by changing the convictions and beliefs that are fueling it. And then I thought... hm... do I get angry ever so often? No. But I tolerate anger a lot. I do get scared often though. So I wonder: Is it also possible to defuse fear by changing the convictions and beliefs that are feeding it? Maybe. Though I haven't really tried because I admit that sometimes emotions seem to have a life of their own. But of course, they don't have (the right) to have a life of their own.

Those are some negative feelings, but what about the positive ones? Do they always remain forgotten? Overwritten by the negative thoughts and emotions? Why is it that most times one thing that's negative is big enough to overwrite everything that was genuinely honest and good? Could it be that trust is betrayed and hearts broken to unbearable extent? These could be reasons that mistakes can never be corrected and intentions suddenly don't come into consideration because the thought that something negative or bad always has to be done-on-purpose and only with the worst of intentions. Then it often leads to contempt and inability to forgive.

I've been wanting to know what kind of a person I am. Am I good? Am I selfish? Am I a liar? Am I a good listener? Did I care enough? Was I ever a good friend/daughter/sister? Have I been rude and insensitive? Am I too self-absorbed? Do I seem happy? How have I been? It's one of the things that I don't know and I can't just think that I'm aware of myself. It would be good to just know.

What I thought I had was actually what I lacked: Empathy. A communication ability that needs one to be calm and not blinded by emotion. But how often am I calm? I overreact at the wrong time and place, yet I could also be calm at the wrong time and place. I feel unforgivable (and broken) for hurting the feelings of the people that I care about. All because I'm often too distracted by my own pain that I don't -listen- to other people who also needs to be heard. I haven't taken the other person into consideration, I just lose sense of things.
I've been feeling sorry for so long. And I don't know if you know what it feels like but it's as if you don't have a home. You just feel like you don't belong anywhere.

The last thing I want is to pull somebody - who I care about - down with me. They didn't do anything wrong. It's just been me all along.

I haven't been in the mood to update my blog. Lately I've been feeling pretty messed up. No I don't want to write about it.

I watched the movie Zeitgeist. I think I might've heard someone tell me about it before but I just can't remember who or when. It goes for about 1hr 56mins. It's not meant for entertainment, there's some pretty strong stuff in there. I don't know what to say about it. It may be disturbing for some people since it touches on religion, politics, economies, current affairs and what the world is slowly coming to. It attempts to distinguish truth from myth but you can't be too sure about anything these days. If you want to watch it, go to zeitgeistmovie.com. I recommend it but personally I don't know how credible it is.

I accidentally stumbled upon it a couple of days ago when I was randomly searching YouTube for people's personal thoughts on religion. There were lots of interesting insights, I'd say. My sister Niz asked me, "Why are you watching these kind of stuff?" What I thought she actually meant was 'Why are you questioning your faith?' And I don't know. Do I have to have a reason? I don't suppose I'm not allowed to inquire. What I told her was that it was simply interesting.
I have faith, but I seek assurance, affirmation, and security. And some sort of conclusion would be most appreciated. Nothing of that sort so far.

One of the videos I watched:


Moving on, I was also curious about something called the Ouija board. People would pronounce it as 'wee-gee', I don't understand why. But it makes more sense to me as 'wee-ja' or 'wee-ya'. It comes from the French 'oui' meaning 'yes' and the German 'ja' also meaning 'yes'.
It's just a board with letters and numbers on it (and some other phrases on it like 'yes', 'no', 'goodbye') and it has a planchette that works like a pointer. The board supposedly lets people communicate with spirits. Hence some people know it as the spirit board. I haven't tried it and I don't plan to, mind you. There's a surprising number of videos about it on YouTube. Some people record their sessions with the board, some are quite believable (?) but most of them aren't that convincing. I'd say it's a disturbing tool and it's not something to fool around with. Having its connection with all things evil and hearing that bad things occur to those who use the ouija board, I'd say it's better to stay away from it unless you know what you're doing. If it really does work then I think 99% of the time you're only going to come across something bad.

This was freaky, for example:


So.. I think that's all for now. If you want you can visit me on DeviantArt and YouTube, links are on the right. I recently uploaded some 'deviations' and a video. Probably the crappiest one you'll ever see.
Enjoy the last few weeks of 2007. Be good.

Since I have enough time on my hands, I'm drawing again. On Sunday I went to the art supplies shop to find the best kind of paper they had. I found them, but they were expensive so I bought the next best quality that I could afford. Then I saw a thick black book of blank paper especially for sketching, I couldn't resist but get one for myself :)

Above: My uncle and his girl agreed to be my first 'model couple'. They look very sweet together. I drew this from a photograph so I could take my time with it and make sure I get the details right. At first it was a little challenging because it was a nice picture but it wasn't wide/big enough, so I had to enlarge it as far as it would go, print it out, and did my best. I'm not so satisfied with the outcome but it's good enough. For now.


Next...

Above: This was drawn from a picture of my little cousin. The photographer was me. I asked her to give me her best smile and it was perfect. It didn't take me long to finish this piece. Not too satisfied with it either but still I'm happy about it.

I've been getting requests asking me to sketch my portraits in colour instead of black and white. The truth is I have no idea if I can pull it off. If I attempt to, I'll let you know of the outcome. I have yet to also experiment with charcoal.

I was thinking of drawing another portrait today. We'll see.

A short update of my previous week; I had another appointment with Dentist. He did a filling on my tooth that was damaged because of my late wisdom tooth. There was no pain or discomfort initially but I've been feeling throbbing pain in the past 2 or 3 days. It comes and goes. I can't really tell if it's increasing or decreasing. But I know that if it doesn't go away I'm gonna have to go through the root canal procedure. It's going to cost me at least S$1,300 if the nerve is damaged (which I think it is), and if there's already an infection on the way (and it feels like it). Dentist said "We might just get away with a filling," but I feel like my tooth is going to crack open. There's no swelling though, but it hurts right now as we speak so I'm keeping my Ibuprofen pills in reach for when I really can't take it anymore. Then maybe I'd have to see him again alot sooner than he expected.

Anyway, I know some of you are excited and counting down the days until Christmas. Reunions with family, reunions with friends, travelling, presents, food. Wow, lucky you. I don't celebrate Christmas, but just like Eid or other religious holidays, it's something I acknowledge and have much respect for.
Happy holidays :)