22 December 2007

Am I a disaster magnet?

So here I am again with some more thoughts to share. I learned it again, today, that one way to defuse anger is by changing the convictions and beliefs that are fueling it. And then I thought... hm... do I get angry ever so often? No. But I tolerate anger a lot. I do get scared often though. So I wonder: Is it also possible to defuse fear by changing the convictions and beliefs that are feeding it? Maybe. Though I haven't really tried because I admit that sometimes emotions seem to have a life of their own. But of course, they don't have (the right) to have a life of their own.

Those are some negative feelings, but what about the positive ones? Do they always remain forgotten? Overwritten by the negative thoughts and emotions? Why is it that most times one thing that's negative is big enough to overwrite everything that was genuinely honest and good? Could it be that trust is betrayed and hearts broken to unbearable extent? These could be reasons that mistakes can never be corrected and intentions suddenly don't come into consideration because the thought that something negative or bad always has to be done-on-purpose and only with the worst of intentions. Then it often leads to contempt and inability to forgive.

I've been wanting to know what kind of a person I am. Am I good? Am I selfish? Am I a liar? Am I a good listener? Did I care enough? Was I ever a good friend/daughter/sister? Have I been rude and insensitive? Am I too self-absorbed? Do I seem happy? How have I been? It's one of the things that I don't know and I can't just think that I'm aware of myself. It would be good to just know.

What I thought I had was actually what I lacked: Empathy. A communication ability that needs one to be calm and not blinded by emotion. But how often am I calm? I overreact at the wrong time and place, yet I could also be calm at the wrong time and place. I feel unforgivable (and broken) for hurting the feelings of the people that I care about. All because I'm often too distracted by my own pain that I don't -listen- to other people who also needs to be heard. I haven't taken the other person into consideration, I just lose sense of things.
I've been feeling sorry for so long. And I don't know if you know what it feels like but it's as if you don't have a home. You just feel like you don't belong anywhere.

The last thing I want is to pull somebody - who I care about - down with me. They didn't do anything wrong. It's just been me all along.

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