29 October 2007

A little help

Monday passed. It was the last Monday being my day off. This will be my final week working at the Science Centre. It's not very easy to leave it behind. I look back and think about so many things I've learnt and the support (and sometimes understanding) from some of my colleagues that made one thing in my life possible.

I realize that I'll never be ready for work. Or anything in life that's expected of me. But I have to just be ready. Whatever that means. Generally just telling myself that tomorrow never comes. I'll learn to like my next job but I admit that I'm nervous about it.

There were things yestereday that I wanted to do but didn't. I was restless. I still am. And I become clueless about where to start. I guess the feeling is just that I don't feel like doing anything. On top of that I don't even feel good about going to sleep and waking up. I promise I'll have trouble waking up later this morning even though I'm well aware that I have to be at work at 0830. Maybe even that's the reason why I can't sleep. I know that sleep's not worth it if I just can't wake up right.
This chronic tardiness...

It's not work that stresses me, it's just myself and life in general. I feel disgusting in some way, undeserving, left out, the misfit.

I'm either not trying hard enough or trying too hard to just be able to handle things like other people. I have to let this go.

I'm selling off my things that I don't think I need anymore. Yesterday was a watch that my mum bought for me. It was a two-faced watch that's good for travelling. I remember wanting it and mentioning it to my mum, so she bought it for me. But I never did put it on. Thinking about it now, I don't really need it. I don't normally wear a watch anyway.

I also have plenty of CDs and books that kept me busy a long time ago. I don't look into them anymore either save for one or two.

I'm making a rose out of lace for each of my colleagues. It's not just a rose coz it's a gift in disguise, which only they will find out what it is eventually. I'll be giving them away by the end of this week. If I remember I'll take a picture of what the roses look like.

Sometimes I hate discussing with myself about plans. Coz I hardly get things done and it's something about myself that's weighing me down. At this point I find that I don't need understanding from anyone, or need to be heard. Sometimes sympathy is okay but I know it doesn't help me. Thank you for wasting so much time reading my thoughts that are hardly ever positive. If I try to be this perky, cheerful, bubbly person, it's just obviously pretense. When I'm happy sometimes it shows, but other times I feel like I can't show it at all because I'm forced to focus on dead ends by bad expectations.
Always expecting the worse. It doesn't keep me away from bad surprises. It stops me from doing anything because faith is lost, determination deteriorates, and worries multiply at breakneck speed. All the better to throw me off balance.

Most of us take good things for granted when they happen to us. We let time pass quickly when we're having a good time. We take all we can get and then we simply just forget. But when bad things happen, we kick and scream and magnify our suffering beyond recognition. They are the memory that sticks for all eternity.
Do we realize this?

The thing about life that I'm content with is the fact that I know life is temporary. All of this is temporary. Pleasure, pain, or just... nothing. I'm tired of trying to be good enough. Half the time I forget what am I even fighting for. I come to the point that if the people I care about make fun of me or hate me, then fine, you know, so long as I believe the things being said to me are untrue. Or if every other thing I do is always a mistake, then fine, I deserve to be taught a lesson. I come to realize that maybe it's better getting used to pain than trying to keep my head above water. I'm not sure if that means giving up.

I feel so drained. If only I knew what is it that I need to get back up on my feet.

1 comment:

  1. "There's too much beauty to quit." - Naomi Watts, from the film Stay