30 September 2007

Leaving September

"Hidup segan, mati tak mahu"

Living in constant trouble or pain. 'Not wanting to live. Not wanting to die.' That's what it means.

I say goodbye to September too. Accept my tears today.

I'm surviving on painkillers because of an excrutiating tooth ache. Two pills every six hours without fail. I hesitate seeing the dentist because I can't afford to fork out $600 for extraction of a useless tooth. I raised my voice at my sisters and my mum because the pain got in the way. Punched tables, hit walls, pinching myself, pulling hair, anything so my brain focuses on another kind of pain. The dentist solves this. Until then the pain will come back throbbing exactly when it's supposed to. Not a second late.

Just like the other kind of pain the hangs from the chest like an anchor. It hurts enough to paralyze me. Because of that I need some kind of spiritual morphine.

I carried on working this whole month. Thinking too much. Staying positive but only to be unappreciated. In other words for nothing. Not sure of what I want to do now. Maybe repeating the whole process... when will it end?

I hope I don't get the job I interviewed for last week. My boss would then be a cranky woman. Someone I have to put up with. Me. Haven't I enough to put up with? Whatever money it's worth I'm not falling for it. I can't just push away the fact that I'm not someone who can think very well or someone with such high EQ levels. I fail at these areas. Don't bother asking me to try. I'm safe where I am now and it's the only thing I can hold on to now. Not hope or anything like that. Just waking up and going to work and wearing a smile - a mask - all day.

Want to know what I look forward to?
I look forward to laughing.
I look forward to feeling better again soon.

Want to know what I'm happy about?
I wish I knew too.

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