01 July 2007

First post since 'Hiatus'

I decided to make my blog private today and the reason being: I find no use for it lately. It's where you want to let your feelings out but sometimes it's better that nobody reads. Just sometimes. Until you can sort yourself out and talk to someone about it. When I make this public again, you could then catch up with my previous posts starting with this one.

This day, 1st July, I'm in a situation where I myself made it complicated. I'm not ready to tell the world yet that I'm going on a trip to Germany for the first time on my own - at the end of this month. I won't really be on my own because Michael will be my guide. But going to Germany is the problem that's been lingering in my head that caused me to write tons of rubbish and act like an idiot at work.

Maybe I will read back at this post and laugh at myself.

More so, my parents won't really let me go. They say all sorts of things that aren't worth mentioning here because they're only supposed to talk me out of this and make me change my mind.

Some are things that - half the time - have no relevance with the fact that it's just a trip in which I will return from after three weeks. Blink for me. That's how fast it's going to pass.

I still have the task of telling them that my trip is confirmed. I don't understand why I hesitate these days. It's my perception of my parents that are holding me back. But it's just my mum and stepdad. And I'm afraid of being verbally beaten down because I'm not that strong. I can't argue. And -then- it really shows that I'm a failure, that I don't know what I'm doing, that I'm pathetic. I don't want to let myself down. It's hard for me to deal with that.

And I still hate myself for a few reasons. Like my lack of confidence. It's crazy how I used to be this girl who won't even step foot out of the house unaccompanied and now I'm so eager to fly to another country - a region - I've never been to. A place I never thought I would step foot on. Never. Well I wanted to go to Ireland but hey, Germany's nice too. But am I for real? I don't believe myself sometimes.

Am I out of my mind? Am I taking orders? Or am I just being reasonable especially towards my other half? I miss him, but am I not allowed to see him again? Since I feel like seeing him is the right thing to do, why does my parents seem to be in the way? I don't understand. I know they're worried because to let me go somewhere they can't reach me is unacceptable. I won't say that "I'm old enough to take care of myself" coz that's just naive. Nobody knows what can happen on my way there, while I'm there, on my way back, and while I'm already back home. Maybe I should leave an important message to Shida in case anything happens to me.

Going for this trip is an important step for me. There are many things to catch up with and set straight. My intentions are different than what my parents assume. I'm not a whore, I'm not a free-thinker, I'm not undignified, I'm not faithless, and I'm not arrogant. I'm too careful. It's just that being too careful is also ridiculous because when you're tired of being -told- what to do, you bounce back and that's when situations turn ugly.

I hesistate telling my parents whenever they're doing something together like watching tv, or when my mum raises her voice coz she's not happy with something, or when she's doing housework and dashing around like a bullet, or when my stepdad's just sitting around looking like a pile laundry. Everything's saying this isn't the right time. In such situations they won't really take me seriously.

These days I wake up and I tell myself that I'm going to tell them today.
Today never comes. I don't know. I don't think I can wait another second. I have to get this over with because it's killing me and I have to decide because no one's gonna do that for me.

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