03 July 2007

Perfectly Annoying

Wow.. I'm so nervous. And I'm being annoying at the moment. Annoying to myself in a way that it's my chance to show enthusiasm, but I'm not enthusiastic. One of my colleague who knows that I'm going to Germany is pretty happy for me. She said, "You're so lucky. I'm so excited and happy for you. But how can you be all like 'oh.. no it's not a big deal'?"

And I'm annoying Michael with how I sound sulky all the time coz I'm nervous and I'm worried and pretty much all over the place. But I've taken a step back. I write this all in here as hidden entries (for now) just so I know I can reveal them later when they don't matter anymore (hopefully). Nobody wants to help take the load off my shoulders for a second now. I suck *sighs*

I need to talk to my folks right now but they're both still asleep. I told myself that I'm just going to tell them today when they come out from the room and we have lunch together.

I need to stay in touch with Michael. But for now I don't know what to say in my emails. And I won't allow myself to stay in touch with him as long as I don't get done what I must get done.

Why do I torture myself and other people?
I need to sort out my priorities.

I'm messed up because I'm thinking about what I've done. Things I didn't intentionally do to hurt other people who mean a lot to me. Things that evolve around my own weaknesses. I don't want people to get angry with me. I don't want to face arguments. At times I can't help but feel hopeless. Like I'm just going to ruin my life.
That's what I told my mum by the way... that I felt like I'm going to ruin my life.

So what do you think? I'm still sulking aren't I?
I really wonder what people think of me. Maybe they look at me or they read me and they only see emptiness.

You're probably thinking "She's always feeling sorry for herself. Unbelievable."
I die trying to be perfect for everybody and it's just not worth it.
I'm letting it go.

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